So Sue Me
by Lothelen
Summary: Two Mary Sues fall into ME, complete with names that sound like STDs, sparkly pink blood, and a tendency to molest every male in sight. It's up to their unwitting companion to prevent them from wreaking hormonal havoc on the characters she knows and loves, and just maybe, with a pinch of patience, a little thing called "growing up" can happen to even these worst of Sues.
1. Prologue: Dumb and Dumber

**A/N: I've had this plot bunny for a while as a Mary Sue parody and I just had to actually write it. Reviewing would be lovely, m'dears. This is the prologue, so keep in mind that future chapters will be longer. Warning for language and some raunchiness.**

 **Disclaimer: Who doesn't own anything affiliated with Tolkien? That would be this humble, teenage Suethor. So don't Sue me.**

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 **Prologue: Dumb and Dumber**

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Everyone has bad days.

Those days can start off inconspicuously and veer off into the realm of "humiliating" and "just no good whatsoever", i.e. realizing you had spinach (or a similarly gross food) stuck in your teeth since breakfast and no one thought to tell you, you run into your ex with a new girlfriend who doesn't have spinach stuck in _her_ teeth, and to top it all off, you walk around for half the day without knowing your fly is down. Or maybe you just woke up feeling like you were dragged through hell and back by your hair during the night and just stumble around in a miserable daze, maybe stopping to cry a bit in the bathroom for good measure.

And there are terrible days, which are hopefully few and far between. Breaking bones, someone dying, losing your job, getting dumped…those are the terrible days.

And then there are the days that are so utterly awful they veer into an indescribable and surreal territory where you're kind of okay with how things are going because you can't actually believe what's happening.

Catherine Ellis, who frequently had bad days and infrequently had terrible ones, experienced twenty-four hours of the latter that were so awful, they ended up setting the scene for the rest of her life. But that comes later.

She had _not_ in fact, done anything abnormal that night before going to sleep. There was no tearful, violent confrontation with her abusive stepfather, no tragic suicide attempt, no mooning over how much she wished she lived in a medieval time frame without conveniences like plumbing, toothbrushes, and the internet just so she could drool over Orlando Bloom in leggings (and everything the leggings showed off) and a tunic. Catherine was rather happy with her lot. She spent the night curled up in bed watching Netflix before dosing off and slept like a log. Her hair was still in a sweaty ponytail from working out, she was wearing one of the embarrassing childhood t-shirts she hadn't brought herself to throw away (complete with cartoon character and ambiguous stain) because she had forgotten to do the laundry, and she was enjoying her Friday tradition of buying junk food she avoided the rest of the week and shoveling it into her mouth with alarming speed.

So Catherine was understandably surprised when she woke up on something cold, wet, and unpleasant, and opened her eyes to reveal more cold, wet, unpleasantness, i.e. trees and humidity. Catherine sat up, trying to make sense of her surroundings. She was certain she was seeing more trees than she had ever seen in her life, which made no sense, because Catherine did not live anywhere near trees. She could be in a park, but parks were usually better tended to than the thick tangle of roots and mosses she was sitting on.

Catherine kept looking around, and was just wondering if whoever had dragged her out to this remote forest-like location was about to jump out from behind one of those godforsaken trees and kill her, when she saw the Sues. The scream that escaped her was a thousand times louder than it would have been had she been spotted by a serial killer.

"Oh good, she's, like, awake. And she's twenty-percent less pretty, smart, and charismatic, and thirty percent less good at singing and fighting, just like you wanted, Evelyn," said Sue Number One with a vapid smile. She approached Catherine the way one would approach an interesting zoo animal that might bite, one hand extended.

"Hello," she said, "I'm Cerena Chandelier Chlamydia the first, fairest of all French princesses. My stepmother abused me terribly for my great beauty, you know, but I think I'm, like, so ugly. I mean, my eyes are _pink_ and glow with the light of a thousand magenta fireflies, except for when they're purple when the sun shines on them at a fourty-five degree angle or I stand on one leg or when mercury is in retrograde. And my opalescent hair is just the worse, especially how it cascades down my back like a waterfall of a thousand white butterflies and—"

"Thank you, I get the point," said Catherine, biting out a smile that felt like a grimace. She considered pointing out that France wasn't actually a monarchy, but Chlamydia's—ahem, Cerena's—opalescent hair, which was weirdly pale and shimmered with an array of Barbie-esque colors reminiscent of twelve-year-old Catherine's first eye shadow palate, was giving her a head ache. As was looking at Cerena Chlamydia's body, which defied gravity so much it was scary rather than sexy. If Catherine's breasts had been that large and her waist was that tiny, she would be crawling around on all fours.

"And what's your name?" she asked Sue Number Two, who was glaring at her distrustfully. Her sapphire blue eyes were shining with the light of, like, the prettiest ocean ever, of course. Catherine was sure if she looked hard enough, she'd probably see unicorns swimming inside her irises. "Syphilis? Gonorrhea? Blue Waffle?"

"Very funny," said the Sue with a scowl. Catherine guessed she was the alpha, the greater evil of the two. Her blue-black hair, which she probably thought looked like a thousand raven wings or a swarm of beautiful black wasps or something equally ridiculous, looked a little like oil to Catherine. Maybe a nice, thick black mud.

"My name," said Black Mud grandly, spreading her impossibly twig-like arms, "is Evelyn Delilah Rose. And you don't need to know anymore for now."

"You should probably look at your reflection," piped up Cerena Chlamydia helpfully, puffing her unnatural chest out and batting her eyelashes at an invisible love interest. Catherine's nose wrinkled. "So you can think of a really good description of your, like, legendary beauty before we get to that elf city. River-dale."

"Elf city," repeated Catherine suspiciously. A horrible idea was starting to come to her, one that made a lot of sense and yet no sense whatsoever. She pushed it out of her mind, stumbling over to the convenient pond good ol' Cerena Chlamydia had pointed out.

If Catherine had liked kissing her own ass in the same manner as her companions, her description of her reflection would have probably gone something like this: Her hair shone with the lowest lights of fire, glowing like the prettiest embers in, like, that Doom Mountain, and the sun didn't reflect off it so much as it seemed to burn within it. Her eyes, a perfect mossy green, called to mind the forests of Murkywood (you know, the one where Leggy-poo lives), and her body was curvaceous, slender, and supple, with a Kardashian ass, Marilyn tits, a Bardot waist, supermodel legs, and undoubtably a porn star vagi—

"Will you fucking stop it?" Catherine snarled at Cerena Chlamydia, who stopped her narration of Catherine's looks abruptly and blinked, eyes shifting from magenta to lilac in her confusion.

"Now you'd better listen up, Mary Sues," Catherine growled, balling her hands into fists and advancing with murder on her face. "If you don't change me back to the way I was this fucking instant, I swear to God I will rip your throats out with my teeth. Don't think I can't do it," she snarled when Evelyn sniggered. "I doubt anyone will hear you scream in the middle of this stupid forest."

Evelyn seemed to realize that Catherine meant business, and even though her fighting skills were better than those of an army of ninja wizards, Mary Sues aren't the brightest bulbs in the socket and Catherine's bared teeth were rather threatening in any case.

"You can't turn back," she said instead, frowning, "Though why you wouldn't want to be, like, the most beautiful creature in Middle-earth besides us beats me."

"What did you say?" Catherine whispered dangerously, still advancing.

"You can't turn—"

"What did you say about Middle-earth?" Catherine's suspicion had grown into ninety-nine percent certainty. If she got that last one percent from Evelyn, she was going to spill some sparkly Sue blood all over the nice dank forest floor.

"We're in it, silly!" giggled Cerena Chlamydia, shutting up when Evelyn glared at her. Catherine didn't explode immediately. She reached out one perfectly manicured hand (Catherine didn't even remember to trim her nails most of the time, but in a day of such wretched unnaturalness, she had greater concerns) and reached for Evelyn's throat, bringing ol' Mud Hair's face as close to hers as she could.

"Are you meaning to tell me," she said slowly, voice soft with danger, "that you dragged me away from everything I love and into another world without indoor plumbing, electricity, or modern conveniences of any kind and riddled with incredibly dangerous creatures and circumstances, to be a Supporting Sue on whatever sick little adventure you two have planned?"

"Yeah!" Cerena Chlamydia chirped, beaming at her. Evelyn wrenched herself free with a snarl.

"God Cerena, shut up!" She turned back to Catherine with dangerous eyes. "Yes. And you'd better cooperate too, unless you want to be stranded here forever."

"Let me guess," said Catherine, raising an eyebrow and ignoring the threat, "we just conveniently happened to land here in time to make it to Rivendell for the formation of the Fellowship of the Ring, so you can get your nasty little hands into Legolas' pants, now didn't we?"

"Um, obviously," said Evelyn, rolling her unnaturally large eyes. "Well, at least I think. That's how it happens, doesn't it? And any second now some hot, hot elf will come riding along and take us to Rivendell, and then we can become a part of the Fellowship and, like, have silly antics with the hobbits and fall in love with Leggy Weggy and live, like, happily ever after."

Catherine blinked at her.

"So, just to be clear, you have no idea what year or day it is, you have no idea where we are, and you don't know how to get to Rivendell."

Evelyn just stared moodily at the ground, arms crossed.

"You have any better ideas?"

Catherine ignored her.

"Well, what the fuck do you need me for? You already have Miss Opalescent Venereal Disease!"

"Yeah!" chorused Cerena Chlamydia. "Wait, what?"

"Stop, darling, before you hurt yourself," said Catherine, rolling her eyes. "Look, you don't need me. You are…" Spitting out the next part without gagging was brutal, "beautiful and talented. Why do you want me here? Just send me home so I can enjoy my weekend."

"Duh. We need you to be less beautiful than us," said Evelyn like it was the most obvious thing in the world, "That's why you're a Supporting Sue. You'll make me look even hotter, kinder, and wiser when we're finally rescued by hot, hot elves and they'll be more likely to fall in love with me." When she talked, she got a scary gleam in her eyes and rubbed her hands together, almost drooling as she thought of said "hot, hot elves". Catherine thought she looked a lot like Gollum thinking about claiming the Ring from poor Frodo.

"That's your plan?" Catherine asked, unable to believe that the two great nimrods before her were actually for real. Both Sues nodded vigorously. "Right, okay then. Farewell, fair maidens," she said, sarcasm dripping from every word. "Hope I don't see you around."

Catherine promptly tried to traipse off into the woods and leave Dumb and Dumber behind her, but Evelyn called after her.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you," she said, smirking maliciously. "You wouldn't want something like an orc to find you in such a vulnerable state, now would you? You might give them the wrong impression."

"What the fuck are you on about—oh," Catherine finished looking down at herself in dismay. She was completely, five hundred percent, buck ass naked. How this fact had escaped her until that point was beyond Catherine, but that was hardly the weirdest thing about her day. To add to her pain, her naked body was utterly, well, gross. Her proportions were now so unnatural it was a marvel she was even able to walk. Her chest alone—which now looked like it had been inflated by a bicycle pump—should have toppled her.

Which sucked, really, because Catherine was actually at peace with her old body. She was tall, slim enough and admittedly smaller chested, but she liked that about herself. It made it easier to run without putting one of her eyes out. And if she was going to survive her encounter with the insipid ditzes she was stuck with, running would probably be necessary.

"Where are my clothes?" she asked, turning angrily to face the Sues again. Cerena Chlamydia giggled.

"We cut them off and threw them into the pond while you were, like, asleep. I mean, you wouldn't want a hot, hot elf to see you in _that_ shirt, now would you?"

"Really, sweetie, you actually owe us for saving you from such a fate," said Evelyn with a saccharine smile. "You can repay us by accompanying us to Rivendell and making us look even more beautiful by comparison. Honestly, you're so lucky you have us to guide you."

Maybe it was Catherine's imagination, but Mud Hair was starting to remind her more and more of Regina George. She half expected poor Cerena Chlamydia to announce that her unnatural breasts had, like, ESPN or something.

"Why should I go with you?" she asked, trying to keep her voice reasonable. "You don't even know where Rivendell is."

"Of course we do, silly," said Cerena Chlamydia. "One of my abilities is like, navi…naviga…GPS," she finished lamely. "In addition to cooking, singing, drawing, dancing, fighting—"

"Are you serious?" Catherine asked, perking up. "You really know how to get out of here?"

"Obviously," said Evelyn with another eye roll. "I mean, the plan was to wander around and hopefully become more and more distressed until hot, hot elves showed up to rescue us and fall immediately under the spell of our beautiful, distressed…beauty. But it's clear you aren't going to cooperate with that perfectly sound plan."

"Damn straight I won't," said Catherine gruffly. She was considering her choices silently, wishing more than anything she had another option—any other option—than travelling with the two Sues. Honestly, if an orc did come along, she'd probably be happy to let it kill her. But Catherine didn't want to spend days trying to make it to civilization on her own, and on that front, the Sues were honestly her best chance. She had no choice but to deal with them.

"I can't exactly show up at Rivendell naked," she ventured, sighing in exasperation when Dumb and Dumber snickered.

"You can have my cloak, I suppose," said Evelyn with a long suffering sigh of her own, unfastening her cloak, which thankfully was just white and not pink or glittery in any way, unlike Cerena Chlamydia's. "I'm sure the elves will shower me in beautiful gowns when we arrive in Rivendell, to commemorate my beauteous…beauty."

"Sure, honey," said Catherine, with a stiff and painful nod. "That will definitely happen," she added under her breath. "Alright, Chlamydia. Lead on."

"Wait…" said Cerena Chlamydia, mouth hanging open. "We don't know your name."

"I'm Catherine," Catherine said, ignoring Cerena's immediate shocked gasp.

"But that's, like, so ordinary," she said, gazing at Catherine with tears brimming in her sparkly pink eyes. "That's so, so tragic. I'm sorry!"

"Please don't touch me. Or breathe on me," Catherine said, stepping deftly out of Cerena Chlamydia's groping arms. "And it's better than being named after an STD," she added under her breath for good measure.

"I know!" squealed Cerena Chlamydia, shocking a flock of birds into the sky and making Catherine feel her ears, expecting to find blood. "We'll just call you Kitty! That's like, so cute. And when you meet your hot, hot future husband, he can call you Kitten. Awe, that's so sweet."

"He'll call me Kitten if he has a death wish," said Catherine, recoiling in horror. "I suggest you do the same. Now, can we please get the hell out of here."

"Okay, Kitty," chirped Cerena Chlamydia, looking at Catherine like she was a beloved pet. Evelyn sniggered. "Let's go to River-dale! This is going to be the, like, awesomest road trip ever!" Catherine could actually hear the multiple exclamation points in Cerena's voice. What was it with Sues and excessive punctuation?

As they walked (the Sues with exaggeratedly swaying hips, Catherine dragging her feet like she was marching to her doom), Catherine wondered what exactly their reception at Rivendell would be. If elves started falling all over her _lovely_ companions and Sue-induced orgies began breaking out in the halls, she would throw herself off a bridge.

Then again, there was always the chance that the border watch would shoot them on sight.

One could always hope.

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 **A/N: Questions, comments, concerns? Please leave a review, and make this lil ol' author the happiest girl in the world. Thanks for reading, lovelies!**


	2. Fur will Fly, Catfights Commence

**A/N: I cannot even express how grateful I am to MysteriousQuiliPen, Kiireveav, Lady Luna's Love, and Skywolf42 (your parodies are A+ btw). Special thanks to the peeps who faved and followed too.**

 **Without further ado, chapter two, complete with 100% more elves (of the sons of Elrond variety) evil Evelyn, and poor Catherine trying to not end up a shish kabob. Please review, and make me happier than our two lovely Sues with unlimited access to a shirtless Legolas!**

 **Disclaimer: Tolkien would be rolling in his grave…**

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 **Chapter Two: Fur will Fly, Catfights Commence**

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And so they trudged onwards, the beauty of the landscape overshadowed only by the beauty of the maidens who occupied it, for they were the fairest in face and manner of any being to ever walk Middle-earth in, like, forever—

"Must you narrate everything?" Catherine snapped, and Cerena Chlamydia reluctantly stopped her telling of events. She had spent the day alternatively singing Hillary Duff medleys and talking about her beauty in relation to other less beautiful objects such as a tree, the sky, and Catherine. Evelyn, on the other hand, was thankfully silent, though she had a nasty habit of smirking whenever Catherine stumbled and spent most of the day admiring the way her oily-looking black hair rippled in the wind.

"Why do Sues always have accompanying drafts to make their hair blow magnificently?" Catherine wondered aloud, in an even worse mood. Her feet hurt terribly, her ears hurt even more from all the singing, and she was so unused to walking in her new body muscles she didn't even know she had were starting to ache. Catherine and the Unholy Duo arrived at the borders of Rivendell just as day was fading into dusky pink, though looking into the valley revealed they had a ways to walk yet. Catherine was just starting to feel the beginnings of apprehension stir once more in her stomach (if every elf they encountered melted into a puddle of hormones at the sight of Dumb and Dumber, she would be sick), Evelyn let out a little cry of distress, and the next thing Catherine knew, an arrow was pressed into her back.

"Who are you, and what is your business on our borders? These are dark times, and many who seek refuge in Imladris have dishonorable intentions."

Catherine squeaked in surprise and fear as the legion of elves closed in around them, all fully armed and ready to slay them at moment's notice. The elf who had spoken, who was clearly the leader, advanced forward, his hooded cloak shadowing his handsome face. To Catherine's utter horror (she did _not_ want to become a pincushion or porcupine, thank you very much), Evelyn advanced forward, tossing her shining hair over one slim shoulder.

"We aren't, like, evil," she announced, batting her ridiculously long eyelashes and giving the elves' leader a look she clearly planned to be seductive. The elf's mouth grimaced. He backed away from her as if burned. "We have come to, like, attend the council and offer our wisdom and beauty." She gave him another suggestive look, and the leader tensed.

"Your speech is evil," he said, looking very ominous with his face still shrouded in shadow. "Do you hail from Mordor? Are you spies from the enemy? Speak, or our arrows will pierce swiftly!"

"No!" cried Cerena Chlamydia, her pink eyes glowing unnaturally. "We're, like—"

"Alright, that is _enough_ of that," said Catherine moodily, stepping forward. "I don't want to be murdered please, so be quiet. I fear my companions and I are lost, my lord," she said, trying to sound dignified and not like a servant of Sauron, or a servant of Sues for that matter. "Our origins are a long tale, and frankly unbelievable, but if you'd spare us a minute, I'm sure I could take you through the basics. You can search us if it eases your mind, but I can assure you we are unarmed."

On cue, three elves stepped forward to pat them down. Cerena Chlamydia shivered, giggled, and made a highly inappropriate noise when her elf touched her. He grimaced, taking his hands off immediately.

"They are unarmed, my lord Elrohir," he said, gazing at Cerena Chlamydia with great distaste.

"Good," said Elrohir, drawing down his hood. Catherine gasped. The elves in _The Lord of the Rings_ films were very nice looking, of course, but in real life, they were so much more. Elrohir's face was exquisitely structured, unlined with youth as much as it was shadowed with age, and he seemed to emanate a faint luminescence that made it hard to look directly at him, like he was the sun itself. _Then again, it makes sense that he's so beautiful,_ she thought, noticing that Evelyn was actually drooling beside her. _He's Arwen's brother, and if anyone deserves the title of, like, the most beautiful creature 5evah, it's her._

"Speak quickly, and I shall listen," he said, staring at Catherine. "If I deem you trustworthy, you may be taken to my father."

"Thank you, sire," said Catherine, bowing her head respectfully. "My name is Catherine, and my…companions," she had to spit the word out, noticing that a string of saliva was still hanging off of Evelyn's bottom lip, "and I are not from this world."

Mutters immediately broke out amongst the guards, and Elrohir quirked one eyebrow dubiously. Catherine grimaced and spoke faster.

"I know it's hard to believe. We come from a place called Earth, and it's either—well, it's either another world entirely or it's this world thousands upon thousands of years in the future. There are no elves, dwarves, or halflings, and no Enemy. Only men."

"I do not read a lie in your eyes," said Elrohir, stepping forward to stare straight through Catherine, who gasped and hoped she didn't start drooling like good ol' Mud Hair. "But what you say cannot be true. It is simply unbelievable."

"But you have to believe us, my Lord," said Evelyn, batting her eyelashes so fast they actually created a breeze. "We're, like, lost and helpless and we don't know why we're here. Maybe we have some purpose we must fulfill, and you must take us into River-dale to fulfill that…um, purpose."

"He doesn't have to take us anywhere. If you aren't quiet, he'll probably have us killed instead," Catherine hissed, glowering at her. "And there is no reason why he shouldn't. Our story is crazy and unless you let me explain, we'll probably have arrows in our sides in a matter of seconds."

"Well, it is good to see that one of you has a little sense," said Elrohir, gaze lingering on Cerena Chlamydia's bedazzled pink cape. "For we will most certainly shoot you. And yet, your companion's speech is unlike any I have heard before." His brow furrowed like he didn't think much of said speech. "Is this how most speak in your…world?"

"That's how some speak. Like, totally dude," Catherine said in a perfect imitation of Cerena Chlamydia's valley girl speech. "I can understand if you don't want to visit."

Maybe it was her imagination, but she was almost positive Elrohir cracked a bit of a smile. Evelyn glared at her.

"Tell me, my lady, and forgive me if you take offense to my words, but you and your companions are rather…" Elrohir paused, looking like he was searching for a delicate way to say what he needed to. "Unnatural looking."

"By unnatural, do you mean beautiful?" asked Evelyn, clasping her hands between her breasts and smiling coquettishly. Elrohir looked like he wanted nothing more than to answer with a negative. Catherine saved him.

"By unnatural I imagine he means illogically proportioned, freakishly colored, and all around gross looking," she said bluntly. "And no, my lord, most people from my world look like the men you see here, albeit dressed differently. I was completely normal in appearance before I was dropped here, but I fear travelling with someone possessing, horror of horrors, _average looks,_ would be too much for my fair companions to bear."

Elrohir obviously picked up on the sarcasm in her tone, but the Sues did not, instead smiling with blithe approval.

"Yes, it's tragic, having to cope with the jealousy of the ugly," said Cerena Chlamydia, nodding sagely. "Why, my evil stepmother beat and abused me for years because she was so resentful of my, like, perfect face and body."

"Our companion is still plainer than us, of course," Evelyn added, a single tear dropping from her violently blue eye, "all the more unfortunate for her, but thankfully she has yet to succumb to envy."

"That's because I know a favor when I receive one," muttered Catherine, and Elrohir smiled again. He sobered immediately, looking around at his men.

"I think it may be prudent for me to converse with the Lady Catherine in private for a moment, to see if she and her charges may accompany us back to Imladris. Please guard her companions closely while we are in council."

"Charges?" Evelyn repeated, incredulous disgust painted on her face. Catherine wasn't far behind.

"Charges?" she all but shrieked. "Wait a second mister, I did not sign up to be responsible for a couple of Mary Sues."

"Peace, Lady Catherine," said Elrohir, guiding her gently outside the circle of armed elves until they were out of earshot. "We have much to discuss. Would you mind telling me what a 'Mary Sue' is? I can tell from your tone that it is an evil term."

Catherine looked at him, debating her options. She supposed she didn't really have much of a choice other than telling him the whole truth, crazy as it was. Elrohir would know if she was lying or concealing information immediately, and definitely would think her untrustworthy then. Catherine realized the importance of gaining his help when it came to her companions.

"This is going to take a while," she said, "And it would be easier if you let me speak without interruption for the time being, sire, and save your questions until the end of my explanation. The first thing you must understand is that in our world, stories with magic and different beings, like elves, dwarves, wizards, and even great evils, are very popular."

"If I may make a guess," Elrohir said dryly, "you are about to say that stories of Middle-earth are popular in your world."

"Yes! How did you know?" Catherine asked, genuinely surprised. Elrohir shrugged, though even the nonchalant gesture had an inhuman elegance to it.

"We have stories here of fantastical other worlds, though I never thought any of them could actually exist. But stranger things have happened in the history of Arda, and I am willing to suspend my disbelief for the time being."

"Thank you, my lord, that will make my job a heck of a lot easier," said Catherine gratefully. "Now, this is where things get even stranger. In my world, the stories of Middle-earth are extremely popular and quite extensive, covering time all the way until the Fourth Age."

"Are you implying your knowledge of Arda covers the future?"

"That's the thing," Catherine said slowly, noting the incredulous look on his face and not blaming him for it one bit. "The most famous of the stories of your world is called _The Lord of the Rings,_ and covers the War of the Ring. I can't offer you proof, I'm afraid. If I told you of future events, it could mess a bunch of things up that definitely should not be messed up. Actually the presence of the Unholy Ones might already have screwed the future beyond repair," she muttered. Elrohir raised an eyebrow.

"Which brings us to the matter of your friends," he said. "I suspect you have some inkling of what they are, and that their presence here is not a good thing. I also suspect that you are not like them."

"Well, the thing you have to understand about that," said Catherine with a blush, "is that you elves are all…well, you know what you look like. And teenage girls read about you in these stories and they think 'hey, what would it be like to have a crazy handsome elf fall in love with me?' And that's where the trouble starts."

"Crazy handsome?" repeated Elrohir with a smirk. "Stop, Lady Catherine, you'll make me blush. This is a serious matter, after all."

"Oh, that's not—" Catherine was flustered. Elrohir looked gorgeous with that mischievous little smile on his face and the twilight shining on his dark hair. Lord help her.

"I never said _I_ think you're handsome, so don't let your head inflate. The point is most of these teenage girls think that to have someone like you fall in love with them, they have to be scarily perfect as well. And the teenage idea of scarily perfect is usually…that," she finished lamely, pointing to where Cerena Chlamydia was tossing her moon pale hair over her delicate shoulder, batting her silken, inky lashes, and thrusting her chest at the poor elf nearest to her.

"Oh dear," said Elrohir simply. "I would hate to know what the standards of beauty in your world are."

"You might be sick if you saw a Kardashian in the flesh," Catherine added wisely, and Elrohir let out a slightly bewildered laugh.

"I take it your companions are what you referred to as 'Mary Sues'?" he asked.

"Yes," sighed Catherine, "And that's just the trouble. Mary Sues—well, they want to go on all the adventures so they can be beautiful and heroic, fall in lurv with whoever their hormones fancy the most and have lots of hot, kinky sex in between life threatening battles. Teenage ideas of romance," she explained with a shrug when Elrohir wrinkled his nose. "What I'm afraid of is that, with so many important events about to happen, my ever-so-lovely companions will want to tag along and mess things up. And that's what we need to prevent."

Elrohir was silent. When he spoke up, his voice was solemn.

"Yes, I can see where that could be a problem."

"Thank you. Wait, you believe me?"

"I have seen many foul things in my travels," said Elrohir wisely, "But never have I encountered anything like _that,_ " he spat, looking to where Evelyn was trying to subtly edge into the lap of one of the guardsmen, despite the fact that he was standing up. "As I have no explanation of my own for this phenomenon, I will accept yours for the time being."

"Thanks," sighed Catherine, feeling infinitely relieved. This was going to be a lot easier if people were willing to listen to her and accept the foulness for what it was: the absolute worst manifestation of teenage girl hormones. If this many elves were visibly disgusted with the Sues already, it was safe to assume any they encountered in Rivendell would be similarly displeased.

"But you should watch who you're calling foul," she added. "I'm _technically_ one of them. Though I'm going to do everything in my power not to act like them. If I start molesting every visible male, slap me."

"And I will do everything in my power to stop you from succumbing to such a fate, Lady Catherine," said Elrohir with a smile. He sobered abruptly. "If it is any consolation, I do not think you are as like them as you think. You are aware of what they are, and knowledge is power. You are not half as frightening in appearance either, I am sorry to say. Perhaps it is a trick of the light, but you already look less…well, less like that."

"And it was always my dream to have eyes that turn different colors faster than my moods swing and to smell like a unicorn fart," Catherine said, grinning when Elrohir laughed. He was ridiculously attractive, as were the rest of the elves in his patrol. She'd have to be careful, or she'd end up like Dumb and Dumber, those greatest dangers to Middle-earth. Catherine immediately stopped laughing.

"Will you allow us passage into Rivendell, my lord?" she asked.

"Normally, I would not, for fear of the havoc your companions will wreak. But I have a sense that if they are not allowed passage into Rivendell, they will merely seek out a new colony of elves to terrorize, and sooner or later, the fate will be the same. In this case, perhaps, I think it wiser to keep our enemies closer," he said. "I am unaware in the ways of these creatures, though I am starting to get a sense. But I trust you have the knowledge to keep them from causing permanent damage, milady?"

The way he asked the question was vaguely threatening. Catherine gulped. He may have been gorgeous, but he was still an elf lord who could beat her ass into the ground in a matter of seconds, and all the scarier for it.

"Yes, my lord," she said, head bowed. "You have my word."

"When we arrive in the valley, I will also take you to see my father," said Elrohir, helping Catherine to her feet. "If all you have told me is true, I have no doubt your fair companions will wish to attend the council. It is not my place to deny them permission. But I think you, in any case, will be required to attend. I am certain many will want to hear your tale, and the more aware of these 'Mary Sues' the better."

"Couldn't have put it better myself," Catherine agreed, and followed him back over to where Cerena Chlamydia was adjusting her glittery pink cloak.

* * *

Evelyn seemed to have taken it upon herself to swear war on Catherine, and spent most of the trek to Rivendell glaring at her. Eventually she actually came up to Catherine to inform her in a simpering sweet tone just why she was plotting Catherine's murder.

"I know what you're doing," she said, with a smile that might have been nice had it not been for the dangerous gleam in her eye. "It's not going to work."

"What's not going to work?" asked Catherine wearily, keeping her eyes fixed on the brigade of elves leading the way.

"Your plan," said Evelyn. "I know what you're doing. You're trying to act like the smart one so the elves will all like you better, but it's only a matter of time before they realize I'm infinitely more beautiful and intelligent than you could ever be. I bet you think you're real clever, chatting up Ro like that. But I know what that was really about. Right, Cerena?"

"Yeah. You were, like, talking to him to prevent us from getting killed," said Cerena Chlamydia with a surprising burst of clarity. Evelyn glowered at her.

"You were chatting him up to distract him from my superior looks and personality, but it's only a matter of time," she finished triumphantly. Catherine was unimpressed.

"If you were so sure of your own, ahem, captivating looks and personality, I doubt you'd be taking the time to have this little chat with me," she said tonelessly. "In fact, you sound like you're trying to convince yourself more than me. Chlamydia here has the measure of things better than you."

"Fine, bitch," spat Evelyn. "Whatever you can say to reassure yourself." Her eyes shot daggers at Catherine's back, a malicious smile spreading over her face. A second later, she tripped and sprawled in an elegant heap on the grass, letting out a dainty "Ow!"

Elrohir looked back at the noise, and immediately sighed. "Whatever is the matter, Lady Evelyn?"

"I, like, sprained my ankle!" she whimpered, looking up at him with big doe eyes, the very picture of a damsel in distress. Catherine rolled her eyes, and Elrohir looked like he wanted nothing more than to follow suit, but he was too chivalrous to mock a lady in "pain". "I am too weak to carry on, my lord," Evelyn continued, eyes filling to the brim with pearlescent tears on cue. "Forgive me. You must carry on without me."

"These lands are dangerous, even as close to the valley as we are," said Elrohir in a monotone. "Tell me, my lady, would you object to one of my men carrying you?"

Though Evelyn had clearly hoped to be carried into Rivendell by Elrohir himself, this was still very close to her intended outcome. A triumphant sneer spread across her face before she could help herself, though it was quickly overcome by another sorrowful look.

"No, my lord, I musn't. I would be too much of a burden."

"Oh hell to the nope," Catherine snapped, one hundred percent done with Mud Hair's little charade. She turned to Elrohir, lowering her voice. "This is classic Mary Sue behavior, sire. She didn't actually twist her ankle, she's just selfishly trying to get your attention on her without a care for how she's slowing us down. One of your men will pick her up, and she'll be all pretty and pitiful and probably only weighs a sexy fifty pounds and he'll start thinking that carrying her isn't so bad, really, and before you know it, boom! Her hands are in his pants and it's all downhill from there."

"You have a certain talent for putting things bluntly, Lady Catherine," said Elrohir dryly. "I figured as much myself. Never the less, we cannot leave her behind while she claims to be injured."

"I know," Catherine sighed, really not looking forward to what she was about to do. "Which is why I'll carry her myself." Elrohir looked startled and a little impressed by this offer, raising his eyebrows.

"Really, my lady, there is no need for all that. I will bear her, and believe me when I say I will not be falling in love with her any time soon."

"Sorry, but no way José," Catherine insisted. "I am not letting that lustful little leech get what she wants. It won't be a thrill for her if I'm the one doing the carrying. Anyways, maybe if she learns her little mind games don't pay off, she'll give up."

Elrohir looked highly dubious.

"I know, I know," said Catherine, doubtful enough herself without an elf lord raising his eyebrows at her. "I'm trying to see the glass as half full, okay?"

"Are you sure you are strong enough to manage?"

Catherine shrugged. Truthfully, she wasn't sure, but sacrifices had to be made in the name of stopping Suedom in its stilettoed tracks.

"Like I said, she probably weighs all of fifty pounds. How hard can it be?"

Thirty minutes later, Catherine was sweating like a pig and gasping for breath. Evelyn had made herself a dead weight, barely holding on at all, and smirked viciously for the whole duration of her piggyback ride.

"You- _so_ -do-not-weigh-fifty-pounds," Catherine groaned between pants, wishing she could wipe the sweat from her brow. Unfortunately her hands were occupied with other tasks.

"Thank you for bearing me over such a distance, _Kitty,_ " Evelyn said loudly, malice dripping from every word. Catherine grit her teeth so hard she was sure the enamel might split.

"Kitty?" Elrohir turned, teasing curiosity on his face. "Is this your nickname, Catherine?"

"No!" Catherine yelled. "Listen, if you call me that one more damn time, I will drop you on your ass right here and let you drag yourself the rest of the way on your 'bad' ankle. My name is Catherine. Three syllables. It's not that hard to struggle to the end. I am _not_ your fucking cat."

"Surely such language is not befitting of a lady, Kitty," said Elrohir innocently, though a smirk stole across his face when steam nearly came out of Catherine's ears.

"I swear to God," she grunted, straining too much from the exertion of carrying a still sneering Evelyn to raise her voice. "If I wasn't relying on you to get to safety, and wasn't afraid you'd have your archers shoot me, I'd—"

"Now this sounds like a dangerous train of thought," interrupted a voice, nearly identical to Elrohir's except for a slightly deeper vibrancy. "Tell me, who is the lady threatening my dear baby brother? I would like to offer my congratulations."

"I am younger than you by three minutes," grumbled Elrohir.

Catherine and Evelyn looked up in unison, mouths both falling open at the sight of a sinfully good-looking elf who could only be Elladan.

* * *

 **A/N: Elladan and Elrohir are hot. This is an indisputable scientific fact. Please pay homage to their hotness in review form. Even if you only write "hot damn" (make Smaug wanna retire man), it makes all the difference to Dan and Ro and the Authoress. Catherine, Evelyn and Cerena Chlamydia's ability to communicate in spite of the language barrier will be explained shortly (hint: it's the Sue Power), for those worried about that. Thanks again to the lovelies who reviewed, faved, and followed, and come back for Bilbo, Elrond, and Legolas.**


	3. Vapid Skanks, Closing Ranks

**A/N: There are no words for how grateful I am to those of you who reviewed, faved, and followed. Seriously, I've been grinning like an idiot all week long. And now, here's Chapter 3, complete with four elves (both twins, Legolas, and Elrond), Catherine trying in vain to avoid the dreaded Sue-ish nickname, and Bilbo being his awesome self.**

 **Disclaimer: Absolutely do not own, and would not subject these poor characters to Sue Exposure if I did.**

* * *

 **Chapter 3: Vapid Skanks, Closing Ranks**

* * *

Evelyn scrambled off Catherine's back, fighting to compose herself instantly. Her blindingly reflective black hair streamed like it had never been ruffled, her tiny waist and generous curves were accentuated by the daylight, and her eyes shone with the brilliance of a thousand blue diamonds. Elladan looked slightly dazed as he took in all of her…unnaturalness. Catherine thought she looked utterly sickening. Behind Evelyn, Cerena Chlamydia popped over Catherine's left shoulder, pink eyes blinking owlishly.

"Well, wasn't that a miraculous recovery?" Catherine scowled, looking at Evelyn with pure murder in her eyes. Elrohir actually stepped back as if afraid she would kill the Sue then and there with her bare hands. "It's good to know I didn't carry you on my back for miles in the heat for nothing, dear Evelyn."

"I suppose all of the rest healed my ankle well, dear Kitty," said Evelyn primly. Catherine bit down a scream of frustration. Shrieking her head off and clawing Evelyn's eyes out was not a good first impression to make on the second of Lord Elrond's sons, no matter how tempting the prospect was.

"Brother, allow me to introduce Lady Ki—"

"Catherine. My name is Catherine," Catherine said, turning her murderous stare to Elrohir, who only grinned at her. Elladan looked between the two of them in slight confusion and amusement.

"A pleasure, Lady Ki—Catherine," he said, eyes twinkling when Catherine bristled. "She looks rather worked up, does she not? Pardon me, but I was certain your name was Kitty."

"My name is Catherine, _not_ Kitty. Cats hate me and I hate cats, and I was not named after one," Catherine huffed. She sighed when Elladan raised an eyebrow. "Forgive me, my Lord. It has been a long day, and I have been carrying dearest Evelyn on my back for quite some time. I am exhausted and my manners are not at their best."

"Understandable," said Elladan with a genuine smile. The smile faded when he looked at Evelyn again in all her Sue-ish glory. In the sunlight, her skin looked almost glittery, like she was part of Edward Cullen's vampire tribe. "And who is your _lovely_ companion?"

While Elrohir picked up on the sarcasm in his brother's question and smirked, Evelyn did not, giggling and preening.

"I am Lady Evelyn, my lord," she said with a flirtatious smile. "It is a pleasure to meet you in the _flesh._ " The word was so saturated with suggestion, poor Elladan went visibly green.

"Likewise, milady," he said, still the picture of chivalry. "Tell me, why in the world did Lady Catherine carry you all this way?"

"Oh, my lord," said Evelyn breathily, "It was very tragic. I fell and sprained my ankle, and Kitty, my handmaiden, was kind enough to carry me. It reminded me of the time Archibald, my father's great aunt's plastic surgeon's butler broke my ankle while beating me."

A single tear fell down her cheek, gleaming like a diamond on Evelyn's strangely sparkly face. Elladan blinked, looking to his brother in bewilderment. Elrohir shrugged, as if to say "Hey, that's just how Mary Sues roll".

"I see you have made a remarkable recovery in a short time," said Elladan, looking pointedly at Catherine, who acknowledged the question with a grimace. "Do you possess an Elven constitution, my lady?"

"Why, yes! However did you guess? Only on my mother's sister's English teacher's side, but still…"

"Um, excuse me?" Poor Cerena Chlamydia was popping up determinedly between Evelyn and Catherine, who were both significantly taller, like a whack-a-mole. "Could I have a, like, introduction?"

Elrohir blinked, looking at the pink-eyed Sue with some pity. Catherine could acknowledge that she was a bit pitiful, with her hot pink attire and clueless expression. She wasn't even a threat compared to Evelyn, who was downright evil.

"Forgive me, my lady, but I believe I forgot to ask your name. How rude of me," Elrohir said, sounding more genuinely polite this time.

"This is Lady Cerena Chandelier Chlamydia the first," announced Catherine, fighting to keep a straight face at saying the name out loud. Apparently both brothers understood the general meaning of 'Chlamydia', because neither could entirely suppress their snort and Elladan's eyebrows shot straight to his hairline.

"It is a pleasure to meet you, Lady Chlamydia," he said, not quite managing to keep a straight face himself. "My ladies," he said, addressing the two Sues together, "Perhaps it would be best if you went to the healing ward, to make sure you have no hurts that need tending. You at least, Lady Evelyn, should have your ankle looked at."

"Thank you my lord," Evelyn simpered, "But I fear I would get lost in this unfamiliar city. Perhaps you could accompany me yourself? It would be a kindness I'd be glad to _repay_."

Elladan shuddered. Catherine scoffed.

"Could you be any more obvious?" she asked quietly, though she knew perfectly well the brothers' elven ears would pick up on a whisper many feet away, let alone her question.

"Like you could do any better," Evelyn hissed back. Cerena Chlamydia blinked at the two of them.

"Do better at what?" she asked, full volume. Catherine and Evelyn both winced.

"Alas, but I cannot accompany you myself at the present, my lady," said Elladan. "If you are willing to wait, I would be glad to take you once I have finished with my business."

"What business, my lord?" asked Evelyn.

"We must take Lady Catherine to speak with our father on the nature of your presence here," answered Elrohir. "Though you may speak with him yourself as well, if you wish."

It took every ounce of willpower in Catherine's body not to send a self-satisfied smile back over her shoulder at Evelyn, though she knew gloating was hardly necessary. Evelyn was sulking anyways, at least until she started muttering to herself. Catherine could practically feel the brothers' blood run cold when they caught her murmurings.

"Elladan and Evelyn…hmm, maybe Elrohir and Evelyn sounds better. It's E.E. either way. That is _so_ adorable. Then again, maybe I can marry both of them."

"I'm pretty sure that's, like, illegal. Anyway," continued Cerena sadly, "They don't like us. Kitty's the one they're taking to see the scary elf man with the eyebrows."

"For the time being," Evelyn muttered. It was Catherine's turn to feel chilled. "Not for long though. Not for long. And when Legolas comes…"

Elladan and Elrohir exchanged glances. In that moment, they were extremely glad they weren't Prince Legolas.

* * *

Catherine thought she was going to be physically ill with nerves as she went over the whole story again, though it helped that Elrohir backed her up. The Lord of Imladris listened quietly, eyebrows arching imperceptibly as Catherine described the dangers of Mary Sues. She explained some of the attributes, including the Terrible Twosome's immediate lust over every elf in sight, the fact that all three of them could understand the elves with no issue despite the fact that English was not a language of Middle-earth, and their unnatural appearances. Though she didn't state it aloud, Catherine was worrying about another Sue Power, this one manifesting in herself. It seemed like everything was just happening too easily. Elrohir believed her right away and took her to Rivendell, she had engaged in (heaven forbid) _friendly banter_ with not one, but two sons of Elrond, and the Sues had been met with immediate disdain while Catherine was treated quite warmly.

Was Catherine, in fact, the alpha Sue? The one destined to make everything crumble to pieces? Would she soon start wearing ridiculously poofy dresses that resembled pastries and start gathering an army of woodland creatures as her slaves like a Disney Princess? Would she be feeding a horrifically out-of-character Legolas pieces of heinously pink wedding cake with her fingers in a matter of months? It was a thought too horrifying to humor.

"Well," sighed Elrond, looking like he wanted nothing more than a good long nap, "this is most unusual. Countless dangers come at us from every corner of Arda, and our downfall still may come at the hands of a couple young women. I should like to see them myself, I think, to ascertain what you say is true."

"I shall fetch them, father," said Elrohir, bowing his head. "Don't say you weren't warned."

"Another warning, my lord," Catherine said, chewing her lip, "They're both—well, they'll probably act inappropriately in one way or another, and while I know I'm responsible for them, I can't do anything about their lack of good sense."

"Understood, Lady Catherine," said Elrond with a smile, "If all you say is true, I have no doubt it is beyond anyone to control the behavior of these, ahem, creatures."

At that moment, Evelyn burst into Elrond's study, hair streaming and eyes blazing. Cerena Chlamydia was right behind her, blinking confusedly. Elrond reeled back at the sight of Evelyn, whose bosom was heaving so violently her iridescent gown (laced so tightly it was a marvel she hadn't fainted) looked in danger of ripping. Catherine cringed at that particular mental image, hoping for poor Elrond's sake that the fabric, being stitched by the magic of Sues and all, would hold up.

"My lord," she said throatily, launching herself forward. "I cannot thank you enough for, like, allowing us to stay in River—here," she finished. "I have been through much woe as of late, and having a safe place to stay means the world to a tragic beauty like me." An accompanying bat of her inky lashes punctuated this sentence. Elrond blinked. At his seeming speechlessness, she continued.

"After being mercilessly abused by my second cousin's cabana boy for years, it grew to be too much. I ran away and before I knew it I found myself here, but alas, my torment was not to end. Just today I twisted my ankle, and my handmaiden, Kitty, had to bear me."

"My name is not Kitty and I am not your handmaiden," said Catherine tonelessly. "Perhaps Lord Elrond could look at your 'injury', dear Evelyn? He is the finest healer in Arda."

"Um, no, that's alright," said Evelyn quickly, shooting a death glare at Catherine, who smiled innocently. "Anyway, for, like, many minutes I had to wait, alone and lost, before I decided I would not give up and make it to civilization. Every step I take hurts. Walking reminds me of the time my second cousin's cabana boy made me clean the pool myself by taking a day off…I had to walk all the way around it three times, and such merciless abuse has shadowed my steps…"

"This could take awhile," Catherine muttered to Elrond, who was staring at Evelyn with horrified incredulity. "If you interrupt her, I doubt she'll be offended. That just means she'll have more of an excuse to tell it all to Prince Legolas later."

"I am certain many will pity his highness before the day is done," said Elrond gravely. "Forgive me, Lady Evelyn, but I have a great deal of business I must see to and preparations to make for the council. Is there anything else you will require?" he asked bluntly.

Evelyn looked disappointed for all of two seconds before she turned on the flirtation again, leaning over to give poor Elrond a view down her dress front.

"No, my lord," she said breathily with a giggle. "Your presence is the only thing I could require." It sounded so lecherous, Catherine wanted to smash her head against the desk until she blacked out. Elrond looked like he shared the sentiment.

"Welcome to Rivendell," he eventually said, before Cerena Chlamydia interrupted him with an excited squeal.

"Mr. Anderson!" The multiple punctuation points were easily heard. Elrond sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. Catherine lost her temper.

"Can't you two be respectful for two seconds?" she snapped. "Lord Elrond is very generous to even allow us to set foot here, let alone house us, and all you can do is talk about yourselves and interrupt? Honestly," she huffed, crossing her arms. Evelyn glowered at her, but Cerena Chlamydia's stare was more curious.

"Like, I'm sorry Elronny," she said, mournful and glittery. Elrond waved away her apology.

"Please, enjoy your stay. Luncheon should be starting shortly if you are interested. I am sure Elrohir would be happy to escort you."

Elrohir looked like he'd rather shoot himself in the head with his bow, but grit his teeth and smiled anyway as Evelyn immediately latched onto his arm like a leech. Cerena Chlamydia extended her hands to do the same, looked at Catherine, and dropped them again, trailing the pair instead.

"Perhaps, Lady Catherine, your companions might enjoy a chance to freshen up?" asked Elrohir with some desperation as Evelyn not so subtly pressed her cleavage to his arm. It actually made Catherine a bit sad. Here was an elf who had killed countless orcs, defended the walls of his city for God knows how long and seen horror enough to last any lifetime, and he was cowering from a over-grabby teenager who couldn't do anything but giggle and angst in his presence.

"I'm fine staying with you," said Evelyn with a titter. "My body naturally repels dirt and absorbs glitter. It has, like, other talents too, if you know what I mean."

"Mine, however, does not," Catherine interjected. "If only I were blessed with your genetic gifts, Evelyn. I would love to clean up before luncheon, my lord"

Elrohir ended up escorting her to a guest room to freshen up, seemingly terrified to be left alone with the Terrible Twosome for more than a minute. He even insisted on waiting for her outside, eyeing Evelyn like he wanted nothing more than to stab out her sparkly aqua eyes.

Catherine was greatly relieved when she saw her reflection again after dressing in the drabbest dress present in her room (she wasn't about to go sashaying down to the dining hall trailing multi-colored glitter and sequins right and left like certain dimwits she knew). The hair was still the same color, and her chest was, unfortunately, the same as well, but the rest of her body looked more normal. Her waist no longer had the circumference of a coke can, her thighs were touching, and her eyes even had traces of Sue-induced dark circles beneath them.

Evelyn spent the entire walk to the dining hall telling Elrohir her tragic life story, occasionally glowering at Cerena Chlamydia when she tried to interrupt. Catherine was too exhausted to pry her away from him, and as long as Evelyn's hands weren't down his pants, she figured the safety of Middle-earth was temporarily secure.

"Forgive me, my ladies," said Elrohir formally when they reached the hall. "I must take my leave. Lady Catherine, I wish you well in what will undoubtedly be a most…interesting meal."

Catherine followed his eyes to the main table, where Elrohir was obviously staring at a golden haired elf. Catherine had never thought it was possible for Orlando Bloom to look homely under any circumstances, but the real Legolas made him comparable to Gollum. There was none of the slightly vapid expression often seen on movie Legolas' face on _this_ Legolas, who looked immeasurably wise and glanced around at the table with a keen gaze (Catherine highly doubted this Legolas was as prone to stating the obvious either). Both Sues' eyes fixed on him immediately. Legolas, as if sensing their gaze, looked up, and started with surprise and what could only be fear as he took in the two girls, unnatural eyes blazing with lust. His fork dropped to his plate.

Cerena Chlamydia was the one to make the first move.

"Leeeeeggggggyyyy!" she squealed, and both Sues were on Legolas in a second. From what Catherine could see, the poor elf looked to be in shock as Cerena Chlamydia stroked his hair and Evelyn jabbered his ear off. She turned back to Elrohir, who was grinning.

"You're a real cad, you know that? You know what they're like better than everyone else at the table. Shouldn't you go and aid a fellow victim of a Sue's lurv?" she asked disapprovingly. Elorhir's smirk widened.

"Now, now, I am sure the Prince of Mirkwood can handle himself perfectly well like the big boy he is. And _you_ are the one who really knows what they are like. Why don't you rush to his aid?"

Catherine considered it. Short of bodily prying both Sues away from the chairs they were already settled in next to Legolas, there was really nothing she could do to stop them. The most she could do was keep an eye on them and step in if it looked like Legolas was being out right molested.

"Nah, I'd rather have a break," she said. "Won't you come just to help a lady in need?"

"I should think not," Elrohir smiled, "Our lovely prince is better with the ladies in any case. Until our next meeting, _Kitty._ "

"Chivalry truly is dead," Catherine muttered as he walked away, whistling a jaunty tune to commemorate his freedom from Evelyn's clutches. Sighing resignedly, she took the seat closest to a stout old fellow with candy-floss hair. Doing a double take, Catherine realized she was seated next to none other than Bilbo Baggins, who did look like his movie counterpart. Catherine had been trying very hard not to be star struck at the legendary company she was keeping (Evelyn and Cerena Chlamydia were doing a good enough job on their own), but Bilbo really did excite her. Catherine had always appreciated his unfailing optimism in the face of so much darkness, and believed they had a bit more in common than she would with, say, Aragorn. Catherine could understand missing a convenience like a handkerchief above all things. After all, she would kill to eat just one more snickers.

"You're Bilbo Baggins," she breathed. Bilbo looked over at her with polite interest, which changed to genuine curiosity when he saw her lack of pointed ears.

"And you must be one of the three ladies Lord Elladan has been speaking of right, left, and center," he said, "though between you and me, 'lady' was not his description of choice for your companions."

He looked pointedly over to where Evelyn was regaling Legolas with more tales of her abuse at the hands of Evil Cabana Boy, with plenty of dramatic gesturing that put her goblet in danger of being overturned. The poor elf's jaw was twitching, but he looked at her with polite interest anyway.

"I'd use something more along the lines of 'hell on heels'," Catherine said, observing the spectacle with amusement now that she wasn't forced to deal with it directly. "But I'm sure Lord Elladan's description was equally accurate."

"I rather like yours," said Bilbo with a chuckle, "though I am not sure I understand what 'heels' are. Are they a transportation device from your home, perhaps? Lord Elladan alluded that you either came from somewhere very far away or from a time far into the future."

"I bet that's going over well," Catherine muttered. "Heels are footwear from my world. They have long spikes under the shoe to make you look taller and thinner. There's actually scientific evidence that they can permanently mess up your spine, but you know, beauty is always prioritized above potential disfigurement. I'm more of a slipper person myself."

"As am I," said Bilbo, a twinkle in his eyes, "And you would be surprised. The word of the sons of Elrond counts for quite a lot. If anything, I did not believe your companions could be nearly as…" Bilbo seemed to struggle for a minute, looking at Cerena Chlamydia, who was tossing her opalescent hair back and ended up dragging half of it through poor Legolas' plate, with great distaste. "…much as Lord Elladan made them out to be," he concluded.

They both stopped to listen to Evelyn, who was wiping away a single tear as she dramatically told what had to be the hundredth variation on her tragic backstory to a nearly catatonic Legolas.

"You see, your highness, it is fated that we spend time together," and by the look in Evelyn's eyes, it was clear that by "time" she meant NC-17 rated activities. Legolas shuddered. "For I am a princess as well, though I could not claim my throne in my own time. My power hungry uncle kept me locked away, you see, and for many years I was forced to stay in the darkness, starved and taken advantage of, which of course is part of the reason I remain slender as I am…"

"I'm a princess too," Cerena Chlamydia piped up. Legolas, desperate for a distraction even if said distraction had lustful magenta eyes and weirdly iridescent hair, looked in her direction.

"A princess from what land, my lady?" he asked politely, though Catherine heard skepticism in his voice.

Cerena Chlamydia said a name that sounded like a unicorn fart. Legolas blinked.

"Something with too many vowel sounds to pronounce," translated Catherine airily, spreading honey on a roll with much gusto. The corner of Legolas' mouth twitched upwards for the first time.

"I may have to agree on that count," he said, smiling at her, "which is saying something, as we elves have a penchant for complicated names ourselves."

Catherine suddenly had a difficult time swallowing her bite of bread, feeling very warm. Evelyn cleared her throat, shooting Catherine a nasty look.

"You'll have to forgive my handmaiden," she said snottily. "She is of common birth, as you can tell by her willingness to eat carbs in polite company. It has been a trial for me, having such a simple, ugly servant, and it is a good thing I am used to torment."

Legolas actually rolled his eyes at that, shooting Catherine what might have been a look of camaraderie. Bilbo looked shocked at Evelyn's rudeness.

"Does the unnatural color of her eyes hinder her sight?" he wondered aloud. "Though I suppose one may consider the Lady Evelyn to be beautiful, it seems a strange and unnatural beauty to me. You do not look simple or ugly to this old hobbit, Lady Catherine."

"Nor to me," said Legolas, smiling at her again. Catherine nearly choked, and if looks could kill, she would have dropped dead from the one Evelyn shot her. _He certainly is smarter than his movie counterpart,_ she thought with a reproachful look at the elf, _he knows exactly what will annoy She Who Must Not Be Named without appearing outright rude._

"Thank you, Master Baggins," said Catherine, smiling stiffly at him. "But flattery will get you nowhere." She took another bread roll and took an exaggeratedly large bite, glaring at Evelyn as she chewed. "If I'm to be simple and ugly, I'd like to do it eating delicious food, thanks."

"If you want to get even fatter, that's your own fault," said Evelyn primly, eating a small piece of green pepper. Catherine shrugged and finished her roll.

"But Kitty isn't, like, that fat," said Cerena Chlamydia, looking confusedly between Evelyn and Catherine.

"My name isn't Kitty, but thank you," said Catherine. "Flattery won't get you anywhere either."

"Forgive an old hobbit for his curiosity," interjected Bilbo, "But what is a carb, and why does Lady Evelyn believe it shouldn't be eaten in polite company?"

"There is nothing to forgive, Master Baggins," Catherine said truthfully. "I'm glad to answer any questions, especially if you'll allow me to ask some of my own. I've been wanting to hear about your quest in your own words my entire life." Bilbo looked very flattered at that, all but beaming at her. "And a carb is a starch. Why they shouldn't be eaten in polite company is lost on me."

"I must be very rude indeed then," said Bilbo serenely, "Though perhaps I am safe for the night, as our company is not entirely polite."

He gave a pointed look at Evelyn that she missed entirely, being too busy running her fingers down Legolas' sleeve in what was intended to be a feather-light Touch of Seduction. Instead, it looked like she was trying to claw through his shirt, and Legolas winced so violently he nearly upset his plate. Catherine dissolved into giggles, at Legolas' expression and Bilbo's jibe. She tried to stifle them in her napkin, but soon it was no use and tears were streaming down her face. Bilbo was laughing with her a second later, and Legolas chimed in with a tinkling noise of mirth that made a shiver go down Catherine's spine. Even Cerena Chlamydia gave a few breathy titters as Evelyn glared at them all.

Catherine walked with Bilbo outside for a bit that night, yawning all the while. Rivendell was stunning, the window-lights hovering like lazy fireflies above the soft rush of the waterfall. She felt at ease around Bilbo too, who talked away about his favorite parts of Rivendell, songs he had heard, and a little bit about his journey to the valley after his fateful one-hundred and eleventh birthday party. He smiled kindly when Catherine tried to conceal a particularly wide yawn.

"You are exhausted, Lady Catherine, and for good reason. Shall I find someone to show you back to your room?"

"I think I'll be able to find it myself," Catherine said, feeling a bit melancholy about going to bed when she had so much to mull over. "I am not looking forward to tomorrow," she muttered under her breath, though Bilbo caught it easily.

"Whatever is the matter with tomorrow?"

"Oh, nothing in particular," Catherine said quickly, embarrassed. "I'm being pessimistic and difficult. I'm just not really looking forward to following Evelyn around and making sure she doesn't seduce Legolas is all."

"I highly doubt he will fall under her 'charms' so quickly," said Bilbo wryly, giving her a strangely perceptive look. "It would hardly be harmful for you to take a day to yourself."

"I don't really have anything else to do, so I might as well stick with them. They're the only people I know here," said Catherine, a loneliness stealing over her when she realized just how true that was. There were no friends here, no family, no one who knew all the stupid things that made her mad or scared or how to cheer her up. Just Evelyn and Cerena Chlamydia with their weirdly synthetic looks and perversions. Ugh.

"Well, that settles that," Bilbo announced firmly. "You'll spend the day with me tomorrow."

"Oh, really, I couldn't—"

Bilbo waved his hand in a grand _pshaw_ gesture. "It really is no trouble, and I could use the company until Frodo-lad awakes. I would love to hear some popular tales from your world as well, if you would be amenable."

Catherine just stared at the old hobbit in slight awe, surprised at his generosity. Here was someone who had every reason in the world to be worried and withdrawn, with his beloved nephew injured because of a treasure he had happened to find, and yet he still was finding the time to care about the comfort of a complete stranger. Hobbits really were extraordinary.

"Thank you," she said quietly, surprised to feel a slight sting in her eyes. "I would love that."

A door burst open, and an improbably tiny figure emerged, pale hair streaming like pallid moonbeams and fair skin glowing with the light of the stars. It could only be Cerena Chlamydia.

"Kitty!" she chirped, skipping up to her. Catherine recoiled, the way Cerena's eyes glowed in the moonlight thoroughly unnerving her. "I was wondering where you'd gotten to. I was gonna, like, sing a song for Gornie in the fire hall since Evelyn threatened to take my eyes out with her fingernails if I touched her Leggy Weggy. Do you wanna hear?"

It took Catherine a moment to realize that "Gornie" was Aragorn, she was so taken aback by Cerena Chlamydia's bubbling enthusiasm. Beside her, Bilbo snorted.

"Um, you know Aragorn is betrothed, right?" she asked, trying not to feel viciously satisfied when Cerena Chlamydia visibly wilted. Catherine took a deep breath. She didn't want to turn as malicious as Evelyn. "I'm actually really tired tonight, Cerena, but thanks for the offer."

Getting the words out was hard, but she tried to sound sincere. Cerena Chlamydia hadn't done anything to her personally except be a complete nimrod in her presence, and Catherine couldn't really blame her for being dumb. Evelyn was the one who was downright evil.

"Oh." Cerena Chlamydia sounded so dejected Catherine almost felt sorry for her. "Alright. Maybe tomorrow?"

"Maybe tomorrow," Catherine repeated, wincing at imagining what sort of song Cerena Chlamydia would even pick. "Goodnight then, Cerena."

"Goodnight," said Cerena Chlamydia.

If she had looked behind her, Catherine would have seen Cerena Chlamydia looking as lonely as she felt. But she kept her eyes ahead, wondering why she had to be the one chosen to keep two Mary Sues from destroying Middle-earth.

* * *

 **A/N: Legolas has been introduced. Movie!Legolas has his perks, but I can never quite take him seriously when he says some of his lines, so expect less stating the obvious (and more Sue-avoiding) in this version of him. Please take the time to review. I'm not going to offer virtual elves or hobbit plushies or anything similar, but reviews do put me in a great mood for the rest of the week, and making other humans happy is always a good thing. Thank you for reading, my lovelies.**


	4. Another Dime in the Jukebox

**A/N: Huge thanks to my lovely reviewers. I've been sick as a dog all week and reading your reviews has been a much needed break from coughing sadly and Netflix-binging. And now, Chapter Four, featuring the Sue-Sings-in-the-Hall-of-Fire trope, Cerena Chlamydia attempting to find a love interest, and "Old MacDonald" turning out to be trans universal. Also, there are hobbits.**

 **Disclaimer: Alas, no.**

* * *

 **Chapter 4: Another Dime in the Jukebox**

* * *

Catherine did not normally wake up at the crack of dawn, unlike Cerena Chlamydia, who was unfortunately occupying the room next to Catherine's and even more unfortunately had a habit of waking up with Miley Cyrus medleys, which were even louder due to the fact that she stuck her head out the window to sing to the birds (or maybe Gornie had he been in the vicinity). Catherine was surprised the poor things didn't drop dead in shock. She tried crushing her pillow over her head to blot out the noise, but alas, the shrill mating cry of the Mary Sue could not be undone. Eventually, she gave up and forced herself out of bed, throwing her dressing gown on and pounding angrily on Cerena's door.

"You know, Cerena, if you sing a little louder, you might be able to wake up some orcs in Mordor. I bet you can do it if you really try."

The door flew open, and Cerena Chlamydia promptly threw her arms around Catherine, who went into a state of shock from the sheer amount of perfume assaulting her nostrils.

"Kitty! I missed you! Will you, like, come down to breakfast with me? I asked Evelyn but she, like, said to shove it and leave her alone with Leggy."

"Bet Legolas is gonna love that," muttered Catherine, prying Cerena Chlamydia's arms away from her. She looked so hopeful, Catherine found herself sighing indulgently. "Oh, fine. But I have to be somewhere after, okay? So let's make it quick. And for the sake of everything good in this world, no more Miley."

Evelyn waltzed in on Legolas' reluctant arm after Catherine had settled next to Bilbo, Cerena Chlamydia nearly vibrating with joy at being included on her other side. Legolas smiled when he saw her, and Catherine had to fight not to roll her eyes. He knew exactly what Evelyn's reaction to that was going to be.

"Good morning, Lady Catherine," he said pleasantly. "Did you sleep well?"

"Yes, your highness, it was absolutely lovely until _someone_ decided opera was a fun thing to practice first thing in the morning," said Catherine, unable to resist a little glare at Cerena Chlamydia. Evelyn glowered, furious her precious Leggy Weggy's attention was on anything but her. Catherine could practically see the wheels turning as her tiny brain hatched a plan.

"Like, ow," she whimpered, stumbling. Legolas immediately supported her. "Forgive me, my prince," she said, taking no note of the fear in Legolas' eyes at the possessive. "I injured my ankle yesterday, and I fear it still pains me."

"Oh really?" Catherine asked loudly. "What a pity that is after your miraculous recovery once I had carried you all those miles into the valley."

Evelyn's electric blue eyes flashed dangerously, but Legolas either didn't pick up on it or decided to ignore her.

"You carried Lady Evelyn all the way into Rivendell?" he said, one eyebrow quirked. "That is quite a feat. You must be strong indeed, Lady Catherine."

"Yes, she is a rather brutish servant," tittered Evelyn, desperately trying to get Legolas' attention on her again. "Unlike me. My muscles are all feminine and only compliment my, like, slender yet curvaceous physique."

"If I hadn't done it, one of Lord Elrohir's men would have, her injury being _so_ serious and all," Catherine shrugged, taking Legolas' cue to briefly pretend Evelyn wasn't there. "And I don't trust her to keep her hands to herself."

Legolas grinned, and Catherine's heart almost stopped.

"Should I not be afforded the same courtesy, my lady?"

"With all due respect, your highness, you are one of the Greenwood's finest warriors. I have no doubt you can protect yourself," Catherine countered, turning her attention back to the ridiculously juicy peach she was eating. Whatever elves did to cultivate their produce, it certainly worked magic.

"If anyone," began Evelyn loudly, whipping her dark hair back over her shoulders, "is desperate to get her hands on every male in sight, it's _you._ " If looks could kill, Catherine would've been deader than a doornail. Catherine's eyes narrowed.

"Alright, I think that is enough of that," said Bilbo airily, "Lady Catherine, I do believe you made this old hobbit the promise of your company today. Come, I've been dying with curiosity all night to hear tales from your world."

"Okay. Lead on, Master Baggins," Catherine sighed, knowing the mature thing to do was walk away. Still, she desperately wished she could drag Evelyn away from Legolas and straight out of Rivendell by her oily-looking black hair. Cerena Chlamydia leapt to her feet, pink eyes wide with something approaching panic.

"Wait! Can I, like, come with you?" Catherine and Bilbo both looked at her, a trace of horror the hobbit hadn't managed to conceal clear in his expression. Cerena Chlamydia saw it and shifted sheepishly. "I'll be quiet," she muttered.

In the end, they let her come with them, and Cerena Chlamydia was scarily obedient, not even humming some obnoxious top forty hit under her breath. Catherine found her lack of in-your-face Sueishness disconcerting, and instead focused on telling Bilbo about Harry Potter, though every time she turned around and saw Cerena Chlamydia's wide pink eyes staring back at her, she got creeped out. She got to see Merry, Pippin, and Samwise too, who were milling about on the balcony. Just when she was about to reveal to Bilbo who exactly Harry found in front of the Mirror of Erised after making it through the trapdoor, she heard an unfamiliar voice.

"Bilbo!"

Catherine turned and saw Frodo Baggins coming towards them, the picture of good health. Color was high in his cheeks and his blue eyes were sparkling. Catherine turned away while he and Bilbo embraced. It seemed wrong to watch the reunion both had been wanting for so long, like she was eavesdropping. Cerena Chlamydia had no such qualms, staring with unabashed interest.

"Is that, like, Frodo?" she asked. Catherine nodded, surprised she knew any names beyond "Leggy Weggy" and "Gornie". "He's, like, adorable," she said thoughtfully, and Catherine's eyes immediately widened as she recognized the warning signs of a hatching love interest for a Sue. With Leggy Weggy accounted for by Evelyn (who would be more than happy to murder anyone who so much as breathed on her hot, hot elf) and the news of Gornie's engagement broken to her, Cerena Chlamydia was ripe for a new victim to latch onto.

"He also has a more difficult task than any of us can imagine," Catherine said quietly. "He left his home behind and is surrounded by strangers who want something from him. We should leave him be and let him spend what happy times he still has with his family." Cerena Chlamydia blinked, looking confused. "We shouldn't bother him," Catherine clarified with a sigh.

Her warning was undermined by the fact that Bilbo brought Frodo over a second later for introductions, beaming widely.

"Frodo-lad, I would like you to meet Lady Catherine. She is from another world, you know, and one with the most wonderful tales. Apparently she just woke up here one day, along with her two…companions," Bilbo finished, and Frodo obviously picked up on his uncle's distaste, raising an eyebrow at Catherine. "This is one of them. The Lady…"

"Cerena Chandelier Chlamydia the first," said Catherine, mouth twisting as she tried to say the name without laughing. Frodo let out a noise between a snort and a wince. Pippin actually sniggered, immediately receiving a reproachful elbow in the side from Merry.

"Hi!" chirped Cerena Chlamydia, bubbling over with excitement. "I don't wanna, like, disturb you," she said, keeping at a safe distance, "but I just wanna say I think you're, like, really brave," she finished, sitting down again. Frodo blinked.

"Er…thank you, Lady Chlamydia," he said, unable to hide a smile at the name.

"Catherine was just telling me the most delightful tale of a school of wizards that is very popular in her world. Teenage wizards nonetheless!"

"Really?" asked Frodo, looking quite interested at this. "That must be quite dangerous. I caused enough trouble as a teenager without magic. With it, I probably would have destroyed Brandy Hall twice over."

"There's an understatement," muttered Merry, and Frodo glowered at him.

"Um, right. I'm gonna go back over there now," Catherine said awkwardly, not wanting to intrude on them for too long. "It was nice to meet you." Bilbo smiled reassuringly.

"Come, tell Frodo the story! There will be much talking in the next few days, and most of it unpleasant. It is up to us hobbits to keep the happier tales flowing."

Catherine couldn't help smiling back, liking the idea of herself as a hobbit. Who wouldn't want to eat seven meals a day and smoke pipe weed all the time? Then again, Evelyn would probably have a seizure if someone forced her to eat the same amount as a hobbit, especially considering that a good portion of the diet was breads and cheeses. Catherine sniggered, imagining Evelyn dying of shock from having to ingest a carb. Hmm… maybe that was something to try…

"Not only is the school full of witches and wizards, Frodo," Bilbo was saying cheerfully, "but they're taught by a wizard who I think must be related to Gandalf. Isn't that splendid?"

"Perhaps the mystery of where one of the blue wizards went has finally been solved," said Frodo with a smile. "What is this school called?"

"Hogwarts," answered Catherine. "It has a theme song and everything. _Hogwarts, Hogwarts, hoggy-warty Hogwarts, teach us something please,_ " she hummed, feeling a bit sad. She'd never get to reread the Harry Potter books again. They were probably still on her bookshelf, snug inside her box set and gathering dust.

"Hey now, there's a tavern just outside the Shire that has a similar name," Pippin piped up. " _The Warty Hog_. It has excellent food for such an unpleasant title."

They were interrupted by the sound of a door opening, and a second later Evelyn was on the balcony, electric blue eyes flinty. She floated their way, perpetual sneer already in place. The hobbits looked quite taken aback by her presence. Catherine stared right back at her, making sure Evelyn could see she was not about to be cowed. Cerena Chlamydia looked between the two of them apprehensively, her pink eyes wide and mouth slightly open.

"Guess where I've been?" Evelyn asked, voice thin with dangerous intent. Catherine pretended to think, putting her chin in her hand and tapping her finger faux-thoughtfully.

"Let me guess? You've been up to all manners of inappropriate shenanigans with his highness in the library and have convinced him to allow you to bear his children. The wedding can be held right here and he's going to have rainbows and diamonds and sparkles and unicorns imported just to make his lady love happy," she said, eyes narrowed. Pippin let out a slightly confused snort.

"As a matter of fact, I have been with the prince," said Evelyn triumphantly, ignoring her sarcasm. "Do you want to know what we did?"

"No, actually, I don't want to hear about your latest wet dream. I'm busy right now with Bilbo and Cerena, so if you want to gloat, I suggest you do it over dinner," Catherine replied shortly, low on patience.

"Oh, but it's such fun to get you worked up," Evelyn said, a distinct snarl in her voice. "How does it feel, Kitty, to know that you will always pale in comparison to my beauty and charm? That a bunch of hairy footed midgets are the only company you can keep because the elves can't bear to be in the same room as your ugliness?"

"Evvie, maybe you should, um, like," Cerena Chlamydia stuttered, pointing behind her. Evelyn whirled around to see five thoroughly un-amused hobbits staring back at her. The twisted expression immediately dropped from her face, replaced with a simpering sweet smile. She went up to Frodo and kneeled down, either not noticing or not caring how the hobbit recoiled from her.

"Well, hello!" she chirped in a sugary voice dripping with condescension. "You must be Frodo! My, you certainly are taller than I expected. Aren't you a brave little man to come so far?"

"Um, Evvie, I don't think you should—" Cerena Chlamydia was looking at Frodo's trapped expression and Samwise's stony countenance anxiously, but it was too late. Evelyn reached out, ruffled Frodo's hair, and pinched his cheek. Frodo's face was tomato red. Catherine had had enough.

"What the hell is your problem? Do you think having an IQ smaller than your dress size is cute, or are you actually this dumb? You can't just waltz in here, insult the hobbits, and then talk to them like they're a bunch of five-year-olds. They're all older than you and have seen more hardship in a few months than you have in your entire life," she growled, bristling in indignation on Frodo's behalf.

"Oh please, you are so obviously jealous," Evelyn snarled back, looking Catherine up and down with upmost contempt. "Just because every man is destined to fall in love with me and ignore you."

"Have you lost your mind?" Catherine shrieked. "Are you completely delusional? Literally no one is falling in love with you, because you're consistently disrespectful and invade the boundaries of everyone you encounter!"

"Of course they're falling in love with me!" Evelyn yelled back. "That's how it's supposed to be! Everyone falls in love with me because of my beauty, and charm, and beautiful rippling black hair and tragic past and they're all gonna want to protect me and maybe die tragically to save my life but it'll be all in vain as I die anyway, Leggy Weggy whispering sweet nothings to me for, like, twenty minutes before I'm resurrected as an elf and—"

"This isn't a game. Middle-earth isn't your dollhouse," Catherine growled. "And the people in it are not your toys. They are human beings with thoughts and feelings and worries, and the last thing they need to contend with is the likes of you. You can't just manipulate them and expect everything to follow whatever sick, unrealistic plan you have for your time here."

"Ladies," Bilbo interjected loudly, looking sternly at them both. "If you cannot control yourselves, I'm going to have to ask you to leave."

Catherine wilted, sitting down with a long sigh, her eyes stinging as the anger clouding her vision eased and dissipated. She had been acting like a child, an out of control toddler throwing a tantrum. Evelyn had a special knack for bringing out her worst side. She rested her head between her knees and tried to catch her breath, wretched with embarrassment.

"Fine!" Evelyn snarled at Bilbo, whirling on heel. "Like I want to be spending time here when I could be off serenading my prince. Come on, Cerena, let's go." Cerena Chlamydia looked between Evelyn and Catherine, blinking rapidly. "Cerena," Evelyn said again, voice velvety with danger. "Let's go, before I lose my temper."

Cerena Chlamydia got to her tiny feet with a fluttery sigh, nearly toppling over at the imbalance of her proportions after standing so suddenly.

"Like, sorry, Kitty, but we've got to go and find Leggy Weggy."

"It's fine," Catherine mumbled. Evelyn stalked off, Cerena Chlamydia trailing her with one regretful magenta glance over her shoulder. Silence reigned on the balcony.

"Mr. Frodo, I suppose I understand what you meant by look fairer and feel fouler a mite better now," Sam finally said, looking torn between awe and horror.

"That was the…the foulest, meanest person I have ever encountered," Merry finished with some shock. "Don't we have enough to put up with, for Eru's sake?"

"I didn't like the way her eyes changed color when she was trying to be nice," mumbled Pippin. "It looked fake."

"Catherine?" Frodo asked gently, advancing towards her. "Catherine, are you all right? She was very cruel to you."

"I'm okay," Catherine mumbled, looking up at him. "I'm so, so sorry I lost my temper. She just makes me _so_ angry. Argh!" She buried her face in her knees again to muffle her scream, utterly ashamed.

"There there now, Catherine, it's alright," said Bilbo, sitting down next to her. "She is unbearable and talks a load of rot. I'm sorry I snapped, but you were making quite a spectacle. A deserved spectacle, but a spectacle nonetheless."

"I can't believe I had to leave my home just to keep her from messing things up," Catherine groaned against her dress. "And I can't even do the job right. All I do is let my mouth run away from me. God, this _sucks._ "

"Sucks?" Merry repeated, raising an eyebrow.

"Thank you," Frodo said, smiling at her, "for telling her to stop. I would have lost my temper too, under those circumstances. Will you tell me more about this wizard school? I should love to hear the full story."

Praise the generosity of hobbits. If Catherine had been someone three feet tall recently laid low after being stabbed by the king of the wraiths, she would hardly be as kind to herself as Frodo was being. But Frodo was carrying the Ring for a reason, and part of that reason was his gentle spirit. She was glad to spend the rest of the daylight telling all five hobbits about Harry Potter.

* * *

Dinner was a fancier affair than it had been the previous night, mostly due to Frodo's presence. Catherine ended up seated next to him and started off the meal by retelling _The Chamber of Secrets,_ noticing Frodo looked uncomfortable as she felt surrounded by so many fine and lordly folk. Catherine did her best to keep them both occupied for the first course. She was distracted when Evelyn walked in (not with Legolas, who was already seated next to an elf she thought might be Erestor) and took her customary seat, immediately launching into her daily diatribe of "woe this, angst that". Legolas picked at his food and stared at Evelyn with glassy eyes. Cerena Chlamydia sat on Evelyn's other side, looking as displaced as Catherine felt. Catherine guessed it was because she didn't have a romantic "interest" (if Legolas' relationship to Evelyn could even be called that) to latch onto, and Sues needed romance more than they needed oxygen and neon dresses three sizes too small.

She had spent the first course casting coy looks at Aragorn, though "coy" was in this case alarmingly predatory. She stopped when Catherine casually commented on the presence of Arwen, and spent the rest of the meal fixing her unwavering rose-colored gaze at Frodo, who fidgeted and cast longing looks at the nearest exit.

"Is it just me?" he asked Catherine, "or is she staring at me? Have I done something to offend her?"

They both looked at Cerena Chlamydia, who was so fixated on Frodo she accidentally stabbed Evelyn's hand with her fork. Catherine sighed. Bless Frodo's innocent, yet to be Sue-corrupted heart.

"Um, no. I think…well, she and Evelyn are sex-obsessed," she said bluntly. "Whatever she's thinking about, I doubt it makes for polite dinner time conversation."

Frodo struggled between blushing and going green. He looked down at his plate with some distaste. Meanwhile, Evelyn continued simpering at Legolas, shimmying down the front of her dress to reveal so much cleavage, it was a wonder the whole table wasn't treated to a show.

"You know, I think I've lost my appetite," grimaced Catherine. Legolas caught her eye.

"I think I may have to follow suit," he said, smiling at her. Catherine looked down at her plate quickly.

"Well, this does look like fun!" came a loud voice behind her. She turned and saw Elladan and Elrohir, both sporting identical cat-that-got-the-cream grins. "Catherine, it is a treat to see you again. Lady Evelyn, that is quite an…interesting choice in dress," said Elladan, mouth tightening.

Evelyn tittered, not picking up on his distaste.

"Yes, and it looks absolutely perfect on me thanks to my generous, pillow-soft breasts," she said, "and I love how it shows off so much of my glowing peaches-and-cream complexion."

"Okay, I'm sorry, but you can't just start talking about your boobs in the middle of dinner," Catherine said, putting down her knife to boggle at Evelyn. "On the scale of acceptable things to do when you're dining with ages-old elf lords, that's barely a half step above picking your nose and eating it."

Legolas gave a rather inelegant snort he tried to hide in his napkin. Elrohir interjected quickly.

"How are you, Lady Catherine? It has been an age and a day since we've seen you. How are you and your…companions…faring?"

"I'm absolutely dandy, my lord. Spiffy. Peachy even," chirped Catherine with faux cheer. "I'm just quietly eating my dinner and not imagining pulling out a certain someone's ridiculous eyelashes out with a pair of pliers, or poking out that certain someone's sparkly sapphire eyes with my fork so they can never fix lustfully on an unsuspecting elf again."

Legolas snorted again, and it turned into a full on chuckle. He held up a hand apologetically when Catherine looked at him reproachfully.

"With all due respect, pull yourself together, your highness. We're in polite company!"

"Apologies, Lady Catherine," Legolas gasped between laughs. "I seem to have lost control of myself. Besides, what was it Master Baggins said during yesterday's luncheon about the company not being entirely polite?"

Frodo was soon distracted from Cerena Chlamydia's focus on him (honestly, as if the hobbit hadn't enough to contend with) when Gloin, who was seated on his right, began telling him of dwarf doings from Erebor to Moria. Catherine was happy to no longer talk, and almost settled into a peaceful feeling before Lord Elrond announced it was time to head into the Hall of Fire. She immediately jolted out of her seat, staring worriedly at Evelyn, who was predictably performing a series of vocal warm-ups that sounded like sex noises. Legolas already looked mortified.

"Kitty?" Cerena Chlamydia was tapping her, looking hopeful and somehow more sparkly than usual. "Will you, like, come and listen to the song I practiced? I asked Evvie, but she said to, like, leave her alone so she could get her own song ready for Leggy Weggy."

"Um." Catherine didn't know what to say. On one hand, she could think of few things she would less like to do than listen to Evelyn serenade Legolas with a peppy top 40 ballad. On the other, she had, in fact, promised Cerena Chlamydia she'd listen to her, and Catherine didn't want to break her promise. "Is it by Hillary Duff or Miley Cyrus?"

"No, silly," giggled Cerena Chlamydia, "I, like, heard you when you said no more Miley." Catherine blinked, surprised she had actually remembered. "Come on, we have to get there in time to hear Evvie."

"That's what I'm afraid of," Catherine muttered. But she followed Cerena Chlamydia anyway. The Hall of Fire was absolutely stunning. Elven voices careened from corner to corner, occasional melting into harmonies, but Catherine couldn't appreciate it for a second. Standing on a small podium in her ridiculous dress before an apprehensive crowd was Evelyn, preening happily from the attention. Cerena Chlamydia pulled her forward before Catherine could protest, and she found herself wedged next to Gimli in Evelyn's small audience, who was eyeing the Sue with fascinated suspicion.

"Ahem," Evelyn tittered, batting her eyes at a golden head that could only belong to poor Legolas. "This song is for a very special prince who has become very special to an even specialer me."

"I'll bet if she tries, she can say special a few more times," Gimli grunted. Catherine snorted. Evelyn took a deep breath and began to sing, voice heavy with so much vibrato Catherine thought the whole room would shake.

" _Tuuuurn around, every now and then I get a little bit tired of listening to the sound of my teeeeears…"_

"Oh no," Catherine muttered. Gimli turned to her, looking downright spooked.

"What? What is it lass?"

"This is 'Total Eclipse of the Heart'. It goes on for about five minutes."

"Never thought I would feel sorry for an elf," he said, horrified.

It was Bonnie Tyler sung in the style of Mariah Carey (or maybe Ariana Grande, since Mariah Carey was, like, soooo old) on steroids, and it was horrific. By the end, Catherine was sure she had blood (of the non sparkly, pink variety) leaking out of her ears. Poor Legolas was so red he could have been mistaken for a tomato. Which might still put him in danger of Evelyn's attentions, as tomatoes were not carbs and therefore un-fattening. Gimli possessed a stronger constitution, and only grunted disapprovingly under his breath for the first three minutes, but by the last chorus, even he made a small noise of distress. Finally, Evelyn reached the last verse.

" _Once upon a time I was falling in love…now I'm only falling apart…nothing I can do, a total eclipse of the heart,"_ she finished in a tragic whisper. Stunned, terrified silence greeted her. Evelyn took it as awe and leapt off the podium with a smug grin in Catherine's direction, taking no notice of the looks of disbelief (and not the positive kind) around her. Cerena Chlamydia bounded to her feet with the enthusiasm of an opalescent puppy, taking Evelyn's spot with a happy giggle. Most of the elves decided they had had enough and left with no small amount of disgusted looks behind them, but poor Legolas stayed (Catherine thought he was too traumatized to move), as well as the twins, hobbits, Gimli, and Gloin.

"Like, hi Kitty!" she squealed, causing Catherine to turn redder than Legolas. "Hi Frodo," she added in an only marginally less piercing voice, and the Ringbearer looked like he wanted nothing more than for the ground to swallow him while his cousins sniggered. "This is one of my favorite songs."

She turned around promptly began shaking her hips so violently Catherine nearly became motion sick. She opened her mouth. Catherine held her breath.

" _Oooh baby baby, how was I supposed to know? That something wasn't right, yeah. Oh pretty baby, I shouldn't have let you gooooo…and now you're out of sight, yeah!"_

Catherine let out a long-suffering sigh. She should have known that if it wasn't Hillary or Miley, it would be Britney. After what felt like an age the torture was over, but before everyone could breathe a sigh of relief, Evelyn leapt up again.

"It's my turn again! Stay right there, Leggy-poo. I'm gonna sing you another song."

The audience groaned. Legolas (who was too polite to go against Evelyn's wishes) looked desperately over his shoulder, eyes finding Catherine.

"Do you not want a turn, Lady Catherine?"

"No."

"Really, Catherine, I know you are trying to be modest, but we would all love to give you a chance to sing," said Elladan through tightly gritted teeth. Catherine glowered.

"No. Absolutely, unequivocally no. There isn't a single thing more Mary Sue-ish than serenading a bunch of elves in Rivendell with a modern song entirely unsuited to their ears. If that's what you want, I'm sure Evelyn or Cerena would be more than happy to humor you."

"Catherine, _please,_ " said Frodo, looking absolutely desperate as Cerena Chlamydia got to her feet, shaking in excitement. Catherine looked at him in dismay. She could say no to the twins, hell, she could probably say no to Sauron himself, but she absolutely could not say no to poor Frodo, who was going through without having to hear Cerena Chlamydia sing him Britney Spears medleys.

"Ugh. Fine." She stomped up to the podium grumpily, trying to think of the least Mary Sue-ish song she could sing. Eventually, Catherine got an idea. Clearing her throat and focusing on having as little vibrato as possible, she began:

" _Old MacDonald had a farm. E-I-E-I-O. And on that farm he had a dog. E-I-E-I-O. With a bark bark here, and a bark bark there—"_

"Hey!" Pippin piped up, looking excited. "We know this one. It's a Shire diddy as well."

"How odd," Merry added, "I had no idea we shared songs from your world. Start over, so we can sing along."

Catherine looked at him in dismay. She had no idea Middle-earth and her world had anything in common, but thinking about it now, it made a bit of sense. She remembered reading in _The Fellowship of the Ring_ that Middle-earth had some of the same constellations as Earth. Songs really weren't much of a stretch. But it definitely wasn't the reaction she was hoping for. Catherine sang "Old MacDonald" again, feeling worse and worse as the hobbits and even Gimli and Gloin joined in with gusto. Even Legolas looked like he was enjoying himself when Pippin insisted on a second round. There was only one explanation for why she had gotten such a reception from a simple old farm song:

Catherine was becoming a Mary Sue. A singing, snarking, elf-lusting, hobbit befriending Sue to end all Sues. Cerena Chlamydia and Evelyn weren't the ones endangering Middle-earth, she was. And Catherine had no inkling of how to stop before she doomed them all.

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 **A/N: You know shit's getting real when "Old MacDonald" is a Sue's weapon of choice. Review,** _ **s'il te plait et merci beaucoup**_ **, and next chapter is the council, so stay tuned to see how the unholy ones mess _that_ up. **


	5. Doom, Gloom, Yada Yada Yada

**A/N: Again, huge thanks to every lovely person who took the time to review. I don't even know how to express how happy they make me. Without further ado, The Council is here, featuring heroic!Evelyn, Catherine worrying way too much as per usual, Cerena Chlamydia's continuing battle against the darkness that is her Sue-ish soul, and The Beatles.**

 **Disclaimer: Nada.**

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 **Chapter 5: Doom, Gloom, Yada Yada Yada**

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So she was becoming a Mary Sue, and Catherine was at a complete standstill when it came to ideas for how to slow the process. Evelyn and Cerena Chlamydia were obviously completely useless when it came to stopping Suedom, seeing as they weren't even aware that they were walking, pop hit-singing, elf terrorizing, tittering examples of the word. At least her looks were growing steadily less Sue-ish. Maybe Catherine could become as gross as possible; give up bathing until her hair was greasy enough to cook up a batch of french fries and put Aragorn to shame, let herself get as hairy and smelly as possible, eat until she was the size of a blimp, and start farting and burping whenever there was an elf nearby.

Yech. Catherine was missing enough hygienic luxuries from her world already. She would cut off her left foot if it meant getting her bath products, shampoo and conditioner as well as her toothbrush and toothpaste back. Maybe it made her a wimp, but she wasn't sure she had the strength of will to give up even more voluntarily. Although becoming stinky, nasty, and blubbery would definitely traumatize poor Evelyn. Hell, she might even start crying in shock, choke on her own snot (if Sues' noses even produced something so, like, gross), and die. Except Evelyn wasn't even the problem anymore. Catherine was.

"To hell with it," she muttered, resting her head in her hands and groaning. The most she could do at the time being was set some ground rules: No more elves. No more talking to Legolas or the twins, not even to say good morning. Catherine sighed. It was certainly a hallmark of her increasing Sue-ishness that this prospect filled her with so much woe. As was the fact that she had just described the current state of her emotions as "woe" in the first place. It was only a matter of time before she dissolved into a puddle of angst and glitter, sucking everyone who dared speak to her into her woeful, Sue-ish vortex of doom.

So no more elves. From now on, she would only talk to the hobbits and dwarves. Great. Good. Fan-fucking-tastic. Except this plan presented an immediate problem that made Catherine want to hide under her bed for the next age. It came in the form of the little bell positioned in every room to signal the beginning of breakfast, luncheon, dinner, and important events. In this case The Council of Elrond.

"To hell with it again." Catherine shot to her feet, threw on the first thing in her closet and ran, finally arriving in that most famous pavilion dripping sweat and gasping for air, which was admittedly a most un Sue-ish arrival. The entire council stared at her, looks ranging between slight bemusement (Boromir) and disappointment she hadn't managed to off herself on the way (Evelyn). Cerena Chalmydia bounded out of her seat, pale hair bouncing in a luscious cascade of swirls.

"Like, hi Kitty!" Catherine winced. Several elves looked like they were considering putting their ears out. Catherine raised a hand sheepishly in hello.

"I am so, so sorry, sire," she said to Elrond, whose eyebrows were raised. "I overslept and…God, I'm sorry, I'm just a big idiot." She sat in the empty seat next to Evelyn and immediately yelped, sitting up again. A needle had been placed on her chair, balanced upwards by what looked to be a cube of cheese from breakfast. Evelyn smirked at her. Catherine ignored the sting and sat again, brushing the needle aside. "Did I miss much?"

"I had only just finished saying 'strangers from distant lands'," said Elrond loftily, though there was a bit of a twinkle in his eyes. Catherine was torn between smiling and grimacing. It was nice that someone as solemn as Elrond had a sense of humor, but at the same time she wasn't supposed to have positive interactions of any kind to avoid Suedom. Urgh.

"Please, continue my lord. I'm sorry for the interruption," she said, looking at her lap. When she glanced up, Legolas smiled at her, and she immediately turned red, wishing she could scream _NO! Do you not know what you are creating with your perfect teeth and ridiculous bone structure? Just stop it you stupid, sexy elf!_

"Thank you for your permission, Lady Catherine," said Elrond sardonically. "Strangers from different lands, friends of old, we have gathered here today to discuss the threat of Mordor. Middle-earth stands upon the brink of destruction."

And so the Council commenced. Catherine was pleasantly surprised to find that the events that transpired followed the book rather than a movie, more or less. Evelyn looked bored out of her mind, but Catherine was excited to hear so many great tales straight from the mouths that experienced them. She listened intently to Gloin's account of the lack of word from Moria and the ominous messenger who had arrived at the Lonely Mountain. She had always wondered if the messenger was a ringwraith or the Mouth of Sauron, but Gloin didn't go into great detail. The first hitch in the matter of the Sues came when Elrond went into his comprehensive history of the Ring. The second Isildur's name came up, Cerena Chlamydia blinked, violet eyes shining even brighter with a glimmer of recognition. The impossible had occurred. She had recognized someone who wasn't, like, in the Fellowship.

"Wait," she said slowly, looking from Elrond to Aragorn with steady comprehension. "Gornie, aren't you, like, Isil—Isildi—his great, great grandson or something?"

Aragorn developed a nasty eye twitch at being addressed as "Gornie". Or maybe it was because his dramatic identity reveal had been promptly ruined. Sure enough, Frodo was looking at Strider in awe, and Aragorn's part of the council's proceedings came somewhat ahead of schedule. Catherine winced. She had utterly failed to prevent that little hitch, partly because she'd underestimated Cerena Chlamydia's knowledge of Tolkien's work. She looked at Cerena in surprise.

"I didn't know you knew about Isildur," she said. Cerena Chlamydia smiled blithely.

"I didn't. I thought I should, like, do research. Before the council. So I went to look at these paintings, and Bilbo told me about them."

"Ah," said Catherine. Maybe she had overlooked Cerena Chlamydia's tenacity to fit in too soon. And maybe, just maybe, this new side of her wasn't such a bad thing. Elrond shot them both a look that could have quieted Sauron himself.

"Ladies, if you are quite finished."

"Apologies, sire," Catherine said quickly.

"Sorry Lord Elronny," said Cerena Chlamydia. Catherine blinked. She was also certain Cerena hadn't addressed anyone formally since their arrival. Would wonders never cease?

Matters continued on track for a while after that, until Boromir spoke of his prophetic dream. Catherine had always felt for Boromir. Other than Frodo, the pressure on his shoulders was perhaps greater than anyone else in the council. She knew that if she had a father like Denethor urging her to bring the Ring back, she could never have the courage to go along on a quest to destroy it and go against her own dad's wishes. Evelyn, however, had clearly already decided Boromir was a villain. She glared daggers at him for the entirety of his address, and Boromir sat down with a slightly bewildered, injured look. He turned to Catherine.

"Forgive me, but have I done something to offend your friend?"

"Nothing that is any fault of your own," Catherine answered, fighting to find an explanation for Evelyn's behavior. "She takes automatic offense to anyone who isn't a hot, hot elf. I would not let it trouble you, my lord."

Boromir smiled at her, looking more at ease. It was such a pleasant, easy smile Catherine immediately berated herself. _Dammit, no more letting people be friendly with you. Do you want to succumb to your Sue Tendencies this very minute?_

The real problem arose when it came time for Frodo's shining moment. Catherine was nearly buzzing with nerves, a nasty feeling that if Evelyn was to try anything, it would be now settling in her stomach. She felt for Frodo as well, having to give up so much just by unlucky chance of the Ring falling into his hands. Catherine had had quite enough of unexpected burdens deposited by bouts of poor luck herself. Sure enough, as the council members squabbled over the Ring, Evelyn got to her feet. Her bosom heaved with emotion. Her raven-black hair spiraled down in gravity defying wisps and curls, framing her delicate body. She opened her mouth to utter the words she knew no one else (Frodo? Frodo who?) had the courage to say. How could they? It was up to Evelyn's beauty and wisdom to make the sacrifice, to show bravery beyond anything anyone had ever witnessed in, like, forever—

"I will…" And Catherine's hand closed around her mouth before the word "take" could escape her perfectly shaped, naturally red lips. The council fell silent, staring at the two of them in shock. Elrond looked horrified. He knew what had almost happened.

"I'm sorry, did you all hear something? I think it might've just been the wind," she said awkwardly, refusing to let Evelyn screw them all over.

"No, Lady Catherine, I did not hear a thing," said Elrond slowly, catching on. "I suppose it must have been the wind. We are, indeed, outdoors."

Catherine nodded solemnly, pulling Evelyn forcefully back into her seat. She was just about to breathe a sigh of relief when Evelyn opened her mouth, licked Catherine's palm, and bit down hard on her hand. Catherine shrieked, taking her arm away immediately.

"She just—she bit me!" she said, completely dumbfounded and staring at her bleeding palm with dreamy concentration. "If whatever you have is contagious, I will cut off my hand right here. Urgh, gross. You _licked_ me."

"I will take it," Frodo said, and every member of the council heard him. "I will take the Ring to Mordor. Though…I do not know the way," he finished shyly. Catherine relaxed, ignoring her hand. Her negligence was promptly rewarded by Cerena Chlamydia, who decided that that moment was the perfect time to pipe up.

"Your eyes are, like, the deepest oceanic pools swirling with the depths of cerulean longing to become lost in my own rose-colored orbs," she said, a worryingly dazed expression on her face. Catherine just stared at her in shock. Frodo looked briefly terrified but visibly pulled himself together.

"Erm, thank you, Lady Chlamydia," he said, and saying the name proved too much for him. Frodo let out a small chuckle, and Cerena looked torn between cooing and swooning. She snapped out of her dreamy state and blinked, looking at Catherine.

"What? Like, I think I fell asleep," she said. Catherine was utterly befuddled.

"Uh, no you weren't. You just basically told Frodo you wanted to gaze longingly into his eyes," she said, hiding her laugh with a cough. "Though that might prove a challenge, height difference and all." Cerena Chlamydia was bewildered.

"Oh. Like, sorry, Frodo, I don't know what happened," she said, wilting back into her seat. Frodo nodded stiffly. Catherine suspected he was either trying to hold back a laugh, or not show visible horror at Cerena Chlamydia's out-of-the-blue pronouncement. Catherine could understand why. If she had been someone three feet tall pledging to perform the most dangerous task in Middle-earth only to have a Mary Sue profess, ahem, admiration for her, she would run screaming straight out of Rivendell and back to the Shire.

"I will help you bear this burden, Frodo Baggins," said Gandalf, bringing things back on track, "as long as it is yours to bear."

"If by life or death I can protect you, I will," Aragorn said, kneeling before the hobbit. He looked every inch the king he would become, and Catherine's arms erupted in goosebumps from witnessing such an important moment. "You have my sword."

"And my bow," said Legolas, getting to his feet. Evelyn simpered and batted her eyes his way, Legolas resolutely ignoring her. Catherine avoided looking at him. He was stunning, framed by the golden light spilling over the lip of the valley.

"And my axe," grunted Gimli, giving Legolas a look of similar intensity to Evelyn's, though the sentiment was thankfully different.

"Like, ew," said Evelyn, wrinkling her nose, and Gimli looked torn between bewilderment and hurt. Catherine wacked her on the arm.

"You carry the fate of us all, little one." That was Boromir, striding forward with the easy dignity of a man of stature. "If this is indeed the word of the Council, then Gondor will see it done."

"You have my, like, wisdom, charm, fighting skills and stunning beauty," Evelyn announced, flitting forward and smiling patronizingly at Frodo, who looked thoroughly unimpressed. Catherine gaped. She had expected this to happen, but now it actually was, she was lost as to how to stop it.

"No. Uh-uh, hell nope and absolutely not," she said, dragging Evelyn back to her seat. "She doesn't belong on this Quest, my lord, and she's not going," she said firmly to Elrond. Frodo let out a sigh of relief, glancing at Evelyn cagily.

"I am too," whined Evelyn, stomping a booted foot. "It's, like, my destiny. When I was still in my world and my stupid cabana boy left me to clean the pool myself, I was so exhausted by, like—"

"Physical labor some people have to perform on a daily basis with little to no appreciation?" guessed Catherine. Legolas' mouth curved upwards.

"The _torment,_ " Evelyn continued with a glower, "I fainted. I had a dream where I was, like, in Middle-earth, and in a mysterious elf's arms." She shot Legolas a knowing look, and the elf shuddered. "We were having lots of fun too. Tee hee!" she giggled. Legolas went green. Catherine was fuming. She did _not_ have the energy to deal with this. "And he was like, Cupcake, you must come on the Quest with me and protect Frodo. You are a better fighter than anyone I've ever met. It is your destiny."

"Um, no. Pardon my French, but this is complete and utter bullshit. Lord Elrond, she does not belong on this Quest and I wouldn't trust her as far as you can throw her with the Ring," Catherine said firmly. "Though you could probably throw her pretty far, considering she's, like, lighter than the sexiest feather," she added under her breath. Legolas shot her an amused look, eyes darting to Evelyn's supernaturally narrow waist.

"Well, I'm going to come anyway. Among my other talents, I can run faster than the fastest horse and navigate instantly, so I'll just follow," Evelyn announced, crossing her arms and pouting, her lip gloss reflecting so much light Elrond winced.

"Then it would seem I have no choice but to allow you to join the company," he said with great reluctance. "Lady Catherine, do you wish to join as well?" he asked with some desperation.

"No, I do not. I want to go home and see my friends and family again and forget this whole thing ever happened," answered Catherine honestly, utter hopelessness stealing over when she realized what she'd have to do. "But we can't always get what we want, I guess, and if Frodo can be brave enough to give up everything for a burden he never should've had, I guess I can too. Or try, at least," she muttered.

"Thank you, Catherine," said Frodo with a genuine smile. Catherine tried to return the gesture, but it came out as more of a grimace.

"If Kitty's going, I'm, like, going too," Cerena Chlamydia said, bounding out of her seat and over to Catherine. "I wanna protect Frodo."

Elrond just sighed, knowing there was nothing he could do to prevent the will of a Sue. At that moment Sam burst from the bushes, followed by Merry and Pippin, and Catherine bit her lip, wondering if exceeding nine members would mess things up terribly. Then again, Gandalf disrupted the balance when he fell and the Fellowship survived for a time afterwards, so perhaps it would be okay. In any case, there was nothing Catherine could do to restore the numerical significance. Evelyn's presence would mess things up anyways, and she was not going to leave the Ring (and Legolas) in her clutches, especially after she'd already made efforts to claim both.

"So be it," Elrond announced. Cerena Chlamydia vibrated with excitement. "You shall be the Fellowship of the Ring."

"Great," said Pippin. "Where are we going?"

* * *

That night in the Hall of Fire, Catherine sat with the hobbits, still slightly uncomfortable with them (and unwilling to intrude on these last months of relative ease for poor Frodo) but unwilling to interact with any elves, especially now that she was aware of her imminent Suedom. She was also feeling the loss of her home more acutely than ever. Maybe it was because there was a good chance she would die on this journey, and Catherine had always wanted her last breath to be taken in her own bed at a ripe old age, preferably with someone she loved sleeping beside her. She was going to miss out on so much, and all because Evelyn needed someone to feel superior to. It was unfair, but there was nothing Catherine could do about it, and self-pity seemed an impractical emotion to indulge. She wiped her eye discreetly, but the gesture didn't go unnoticed.

"Are you alright, Catherine?" Pippin asked. Catherine sniffled through a stiff nod, staring at where Evelyn was loudly singing another 80's power ballad.

"You don't have to be," Frodo said gently, "I don't imagine any of us are. We are all far away from home, but at least I know I may see the Shire again one day, if I succeed. You have been taken away from yours permanently. You are not required to be at peace with a loss that great."

"I don't see what good feeling sad about it would do, though," Catherine shrugged. "I have to think about the Quest. I wish I didn't have to go, and it probably won't even do any good, but I can't just let _her_ go along and try to toy with you all to make her stupid little plan play out exactly how she wants." She glowered at Evelyn, whose hips were swaying like a metronome.

"I am glad you are coming," said Frodo. "I know Aragorn and the others can protect us from them physically, but I think you are more attuned to their ways, and that may come in useful."

"Yes, and I don't like the way that Lady Chlamydia looks at you, Frodo," said Bilbo disapprovingly. Cerena Chlamydia was sitting beside Evelyn's "stage", kicking her feet and looking lonely. "Keep an eye on her, Catherine, will you?"

"I will," said Catherine, "but I think she's mostly harmless. It's just in her nature to attach to people, and I don't blame her." Catherine was lonely enough herself, though she wasn't about to go around trying to fall in love with everyone she met if she could help it. "Evelyn is the one I'm worried about. I didn't like how she offered to carry the Ring. Though I don't know if I can prevent her from trying anything. I know why I need to come, but I still feel…well, useless, I guess."

"It was well done," said a soft voice behind her. Catherine whirled around and saw Legolas gazing down at her with a gentle smile. "I cannot imagine how difficult it must be, giving up everything and still having to give more to a world you have yet to have learned your place in. I am missing my home myself, and it is likely I will see it again."

"I think everyone on this Quest is gonna be missing something," said Catherine warily, not wanting to interact with him any more than necessary. Merry and Pippin were both staring at Legolas in slight awe, and Catherine could understand why. She was rendered almost breathless by his presence herself. "Well, except Evelyn. She's in second heaven. But it seems selfish to mope about how hard things are for me when everyone is having a rough time of it."

"Nostalgia is not a selfish emotion," said Legolas, sitting beside her. "But it is a good skill, being able to push aside your feelings until circumstances are secure enough to indulge them. I should take advantage of this respite for that purpose myself."

"I'm trying," Catherine said, "But I think I'm still a bit in shock. I can't believe this is an actual thing that I'm going through. I think that's the only reason I'm sort of okay with it. I can't even process that this is real."

"Perhaps speaking of your home might help," Legolas said gently, "Though I will admit my reasons for the suggestion are a bit selfish. I am curious to learn more of your world, though I cannot be sure how much it will appeal to me, from what I've gleaned from Lady Evelyn." His nose wrinkled imperceptibly, and Catherine couldn't help a smile.

"You shouldn't judge it based on her behavior. There are bad things, but there's a lot of good too. The music isn't all crazy vocal runs and ridiculously high notes, for one thing."

"I thought the song you sang yesterday rather charming, if quaint," said Legolas. "Tell me, is it considered one of the finest from your world? Surely if it carries over between our worlds it must be renowned."

Catherine laughed at the idea of "Old MacDonald" being considered a work of art.

"No, it isn't exactly considered fine music, but everyone does know it. Kind of like an idiom. Everyone uses them, but you would hardly consider them literature."

"What is considered fine music in your world, then?"

"Well, everyone has different tastes," Catherine said, "But I think The Beatles are a pretty safe bet for the title of the best."

"Beetles?" asked Merry, looking quite confused at this. "Insects can sing in your world?"

"No, silly. The Beatles are the name of the band. They revolutionized music with all sorts of ideas that were unheard of at the time. Feedback used as part of a musical arrangement, overdubbing, backwards vocals, lyrics printed on their albums, inventing the concept album," Catherine explained, trying to find a way to convey the awesome power of The Beatles without being able to play the music and let it speak for itself.

"And what is a 'concept all-bam'?" Pippin queried. Catherine sighed. It was going to be a long night of explanations.

"Well, an album is a compilation of songs that you can listen to anytime, any place. Usually the songs don't relate to one another. In a concept album though, while each individual song can have its own arrangement and style, they all work together to tell a story. Kind of like what lays and ballads do here. I guess that's another thing that carries over. Sort of."

Catherine spent the rest of the night talking about music from her world, and to her surprise, Legolas was right. Discussing smaller things like culture she had always taken for granted brought it home that she would never get to experience those favorite things again. She'd never get to listen to her favorite records, reread her favorite books, or even get to taste some her favorite foods. Thinking about never seeing her home again in the abstract was difficult but bearable, but realizing how many small things she would miss made the fact that she could never get home again more tangible to Catherine. It was a painful realization. But at the same time, it felt good to have an audience soak up so much information she'd been suppressing since her arrival in Middle-earth, like extracting poison from a wound. Catherine was feeling much, much better, at least until Evelyn came over to accost Legolas and heard The Beatles mentioned.

"The Beatles?" she asked disdainfully. "Like, they are so old and lame. One Direction is way better."

Catherine had never wanted to strangle Evelyn more than she did at that minute. To her surprise, Legolas spoke up sternly.

"I think you should show a little more respect to the group that pioneered the—how did you say it, Lady Catherine?—'music veed-ee-oh'."

The look on Evelyn's face was utterly priceless.

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 **A/N: Thank you ever for much for reading, lovely person, and please take the time to review if you are able.**


	6. Crying Over Spilt Glitter

**A/N: You guys are the best. I love getting reviews so much. Please, continue. Fuel my Suethor greed. And now, Chapter Six, in which tensions between Catherine and Evelyn come to a head,** **training in Rivendell chlichés are abundant, and the twins make their last appearance for a good while. Enjoy, and please review.**

 **Disclaimer: Uh-uh.**

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 **Chapter Six: Crying Over Spilt Glitter**

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Halfway through the next week, the twins approached Catherine, who had been engaging in the enjoyable but not altogether mature activities of "lounging around" and avoiding any traces of unnaturally colored hair, eyes, and neon clothing. She had been in the library with Frodo, who was the hobbit she got along best with other than Bilbo. Merry and Pippin were good fun, but they did get a bit draining after a while, and while Sam was a loyal friend to Frodo, he got nervous and stammer-y around Catherine, or anyone who was over three feet tall besides Gandalf. And so when she wanted hobbit companionship, she sought out Bilbo and Frodo, who were more than happy to sit quietly in the library with her and give occasional recommendations. It helped that Evelyn wouldn't touch a book with a ten-foot pole unless Legolas asked her to (or unless there were pictures of Legolas, and preferably in a state of undress, inside said book).

"Good morning, Master Baggins, Kitty," said Elrohir cheerfully.

"Catherine. As you know perfectly well, it is Catherine."

"Now now, is that any way to treat someone who is about to generously offer to teach you to defend yourself?"

That piqued Catherine's interest.

"Defend myself?" she repeated suspiciously. Both twins looked a little too enthusiastic for her liking.

"Why, of course. It would be a tragedy for you to become dessert for a band of orcs the second you are on the road," chimed Elladan. "Though I can't say the same for Lady Evelyn," he added in a mutter.

"Okay, I appreciate the offer, and I really don't want to get eaten, but you do realize that…well, that starting 'private' fighting lessons with a couple of charming, good looking elves is a fire-starter for Mary Suedom," Catherine said slowly, ignoring it when Elrohir immediately put a hand to his chest and exaggeratedly fluttered his eyelashes.

"Did you hear that, brother dear? She called me handsome _again._ I think she might fancy me."

"You will have to write all about it in your diary tonight," deadpanned Elladan. "Though I would love to have—how did you put it?—'private' lessons with you," he continued with a waggle of his eyebrows, "regrettably, you will be accompanied by the hobbits, so the word will not apply. Even if they were private, it is absolutely necessary you learn. You won't be much help with our two existing Mary Sues if you are dead."

"Really?" This raised Catherine's spirits considerably. The presence of the hobbits would reduce the Mary Sue factor a great deal, which was good because she really did need to learn how to defend herself. Catherine did not want a Moria orc picking out bits of her from its teeth with a toothpick. "You're coming, Frodo?"

"I'm afraid I, like you, have not been given a choice," said Frodo, "Though you needn't worry about making a fool of yourself so long as I am there, Catherine. I could out fool you any day of the week."

"I appreciate it," Catherine grinned, feeling much better. "Well alright then, my lords. Lead us to our doom."

Catherine learned several unpleasant things in the weeks that followed: one, she had the upper body strength of a ninety-year-old man. Actually, she was even worse off than Gandalf, who was certainly capable of out-lifting her. Two, this ruled out the two forms of combat most elves in Rivendell were versed in: archery and swordsmanship, which left the option of daggers and hand-to-hand combat. Three, the twins were to leave on a scouting mission, which left one person who had enough time, skill, and investment in the Quest to teach her: Legolas, a scenario which was so high on the scale of Mary Sue Clichés Catherine spent her first few lessons refusing to speak for fear of spontaneously making out with him. Four, where Legolas went, Evelyn followed.

She usually appeared in various skintight leather ensembles entirely unsuited to fighting but managed to nance about effortlessly anyways, shooting bullseye after bullseye at every target (and annoying the other archers who wished to practice) or hoisting swords twice her body weight with her toothpick-sized arms and waving them around threateningly. Evelyn also stubbornly refused to break a sweat, which particularly irked Catherine, who spent her training sessions dripping in it, covered in every possible type of grime and grass stain, and accumulating so many bruises half her skin was purple.

"I don't understand how she even moves in those shoes," Pippin announced halfway through their fourth week, heralding the arrival of Evelyn and Cerena Chlamydia, who waved cheerfully at Catherine and batted her eyes at both Frodo and Legolas while Evelyn's eyes were averted. Evelyn was wearing a pair of thigh high patent leather boots with heels towering enough to put Catwoman to shame. She didn't so much as stumble.

"It's one of the great mysteries of the universe," Catherine grunted, trying to block swing after swing from a perfectly in control Legolas without getting distracted by how damn gorgeous he was. She gave a great war cry and went for a side kick, but Legolas easily caught her leg and pulled. She fell flat on her back. The wind left Catherine in a great swoop that made Legolas' face swim above hers.

"You took my breath away," she said accusingly, too dizzy to find the phrase she'd been looking for. Legolas raised an eyebrow and chuckled, offering a hand to pull her up.

"Surely I am not that charming," he said, and Catherine turned red on cue.

"That's not—dammit, you knew what I meant. Elves are so conceited," she muttered.

"Tell me, what went wrong there?" Legolas asked, still smiling.

"I shouldn't have kicked."

"That is correct. It is ridiculously easy to imbalance someone who is kicking. If you must use your legs, use your knee. Other than your elbow, it is your body's strongest point. And no more bouncing around either," he said. "You are not a rabbit."

Catherine twitched her nose at him. Legolas frowned.

"However did you do that?" Catherine wiggled her nose again.

"What, this? It's just a little knack I have. My mom can…could," she corrected, a wave of sadness settling over her when she changed to the past tense, "wiggle her ears."

"Hmph," said Legolas, trying to twitch his nose as well and only succeeding in scrunching it. He looked so put out Catherine couldn't help but smile. "I cannot do it."

"What? I can do something an elf can't? It's a miracle! Someone light the beacons!"

Legolas laughed, and Catherine's heart fluttered. Urgh. She was in _way_ too deep and they hadn't even left Rivendell. From across the arena, Evelyn stopped what she was doing, obviously picking up on the fact that Legolas was laughing at something Catherine had said. Her eyes narrowed.

"Come, let's give it another go," said Legolas, passing Catherine her daggers. "Unless I'm in danger of taking your breath away again."

 _You have no idea._ Catherine swallowed heavily, cursing elves and their genetics to the seventh layer of hell. She had just gathered up her resolve and adjusted her stance when she heard Evelyn's breathy, simpering voice.

"Dear Kitty, it is bad form to keep the same sparring partner day in and day out. Why don't you take a turn with me? I am a master in every known martial art and a few I invented myself."

"Of course you are," Catherine said, a familiar plume of anger simmering deep in her stomach. She knew she was hardly a master herself after a single month, but Evelyn hardly looked threatening with her tiny physique and ridiculous heels. Catherine really did want to fight Evelyn. She wanted to knock that smug, patronizing look straight off her face. Screw taking the high road. She'd put up with cruel comment after mean look for weeks on end, and Catherine had had enough of it. "Alright, Evelyn. I'll spar with you."

"Catherine," said Legolas worriedly, looking between the two of them where sparks of animosity were practically visible. "I do not believe this is a good idea. You should not train while your emotions are high."

"I'm not going to be sparring with you in a real battle, your highness," said Catherine calmly, circling Evelyn, who was crouching like a cat preparing to pounce. "My opponents are going to have my worst interests at heart, and in that regard, Evelyn here is the perfect substitute."

"Catherine, please think this through." That was Frodo, ever the voice of reason. But Catherine was beyond reason. Her teeth were bared in a snarl. Evelyn merely smirked, completely sure of her victory.

"It is no use, your highness," Boromir said, striding over from where he had been gently guiding Merry and Pippin. "If they wish to spar, they will spar. All we can do is stand guard and make sure no one gets hurt."

Legolas still looked doubtful, but took one long glance at the two girls, the space between them crackling with tension, and seemed to decide he did not want to get in the middle of it. He stepped back, narrowed eyes trained on Evelyn. For a second, there was only the sound of suspenseful breathing. Then Evelyn twitched, and Catherine lunged forward, her only thought getting one of her daggers as close to Evelyn's throat as she could. She tried to keep herself low to the ground when Evelyn's own blade came up on her right side. Catherine blocked it immediately, having no doubt Evelyn really would try to cut her, but was taken off guard the next second when Evelyn's unarmed other hand came up in her peripheral vision. A second later, her fingers were knotted deeply in Catherine's hair. Evelyn pulled with all her might.

Catherine screamed, some of her hair ripping from her scalp. Evelyn's blade flashed up to her shoulder, and a second later Catherine heard the sound of steel against fabric and felt a sharp bite of pain. She looked down numbly to see blood sluicing from her shoulder, an inordinate amount for what had to be a shallow wound. Dimly she saw Legolas rushing forward with fury on his face as he wrestled a triumphant Evelyn away from her. Boromir was shouting something, and the hobbits were white.

"Catherine! Catherine, are you okay? Are you…are you dying?" That was Merry, looking absolutely terrified her eyes would go empty that very second.

"Kitty! Ohmigod there's so much blood. And it's not, like, sparkly. Is it infected?" Cerena Chlamydia's dainty, manicured hands were raised to her mouth as she stared at Catherine in horror. Catherine tried to smile.

"No, I don't think I am," she said, calmly as if she were discussing the weather. Her sight zeroed in on Evelyn, who had wrestled free from Legolas with the promise she wouldn't touch Catherine again. She turned, a terrible sneer stretching over her face.

"Oh, I am sorry Kitty, my hand must have slipped. It may scar, which would be quite the tragedy. But I would consider myself lucky. You're already so ugly, I doubt anyone will notice one more deformity."

Legolas and the hobbits snarled, but Catherine felt strangely calm. Her all consuming, intoxicating hatred of Evelyn was overpowering everything; her wound, the pound of her heart in her ears, the curious shimmer of her surroundings. She got to her feet slowly.

"You are a terrible person," Frodo said quietly. "You injured her on purpose and now you have the gall to insult her so. I don't understand why you are so hateful. What did Catherine ever do to you?"

Evelyn turned her glower to the Ringbearer, who was looking at her with steady disdain.

"That's right Kitty, let your little midget minions defend you. I guess friends who fail together stay together. After all, we all know how well you're going to succeed," she snarled at Frodo, who went white. Sam stepped protectively in front of his master. "Why they didn't pick someone like me instead to—"

She didn't get to finish. Catherine was so blindingly angry she actually felt serene. She advanced towards Evelyn in three mild steps and remembered two things: Legolas telling her "use the knee", and a quote from _Orange is the New Black_ ; "Kick her right to the cooch. Shot the twat." She raised up her leg, kneed Evelyn in the crotch, pinned her on the ground, and brought her face as close as she could to Evelyn's whimpering, fearful expression.

"Evelyn, I mean this in the worst way possible," she said, enunciating clearly as Evelyn's eyes watered in pain. "Shut the _fuck_ up." And Catherine drew back and punched her in the mouth.

Catherine wasn't aware of much after that. She saw and felt everything like it was a dream, like she was watching the scene play out before her on the television. She heard one of the hobbits calling for help, saw Legolas and Boromir snap out of their shock to rush forward and pull her off Evelyn around the time she felt bone splinter against her fist. She saw Cerena Chlamydia crying and Evelyn trying in vain to staunch the glittery pink blood pouring from her mouth even as Boromir swept in and pulled her forcefully to her feet. Her sliced shoulder burned fully for the first time as Legolas steered her firmly and stoically down the halls of Rivendell, Evelyn receiving the same treatment in Boromir's hands. Catherine recognized the door to Elrond's study and realized they were both in deep, deep shit.

Catherine couldn't meet Lord Elrond's eyes. He did not shout at them, or even raise his voice in the slightest, but she could hear the disappointment in every word he said, and it cut her to the quick. He had been kind beyond expectation to let her stay in his home after being dragged from her own, despite the fact that he had literally no reason to trust her. And she had repaid him by beating another one of his charges half to death. Catherine was so disgusted with herself she couldn't breathe over the swirl of her own furious thoughts. Evelyn, however, held her head high (or as high as she could manage with her lip and nose bleeding effusively), staring back at Lord Elrond with steely defiance.

"I will not ask what you were thinking," he said to Catherine, "because you clearly were not. Tell me, Legolas, how was this allowed to happen?"

Legolas explained how he had been working on Catherine's skills with her blades when Evelyn had goaded her into sparring only to cut her on purpose and insult her and Frodo. He explained how Catherine had snapped, and how he and Boromir had not been able to get to her fast enough to keep her from attacking Evelyn.

"I went against my better judgment. I should have interfered sooner," he said, head bowed. "I cannot express my regret that I did not trust my instincts, my Lord Elrond."

Silence. Catherine's heartbeat was so loud in her ears she was sure it would burst from her chest any second. Finally, Elrond spoke.

"Lady Evelyn," he said, voice so cold Catherine wanted to hide under his desk, "it goes against every rule of my realm to purposefully injure another being, and insulting Catherine after you hurt her was behavior I did not expect even from you. I do not imagine you are apologetic, but rest assured, I will find a way to bring home the gravity of your actions. You will begin by apologizing to Catherine now, and Master Baggins the next time you see him. You will also help her with anything she may require."

Evelyn stared at Catherine, who recoiled from the hatred burning in her blue eyes. "I'm sorry, Kitty," she said in soft, deadly voice.

"I'm sorry, Evelyn," Catherine said, and in spite of everything, she meant it. She hated Evelyn with every pore of her being, but not as much as she hated the fact that she had been capable of lashing out so violently in the first place.

"Catherine," said Elrond, "I did not expect such behavior from you. I do, however, expect you to understand the brevity of losing your temper."

"My lord," Catherine choked, feeling more wretched than she had in her entire life, "there is no excuse for what happened. I think I came here to help in some way and I haven't been able to. I'm not—I don't have it in me and I lost my temper. If you don't want me here anymore, I understand. I don't think there's any way to right what I just did."

"Catherine," was Elrond's gentle reply, "I will not deny that you behaved dangerously just now, and I will not deny that learning to control your temper in spite of provocation is a skill you need to work on, especially as you continue on the Quest. Yes, I still fully intend on sending you," he said in response to Catherine's obvious shock. "You have been displaced in the worst way possible, and even the strongest among us could not weather such changes silently forever. You lost control. While it is not excusable, it is understandable."

"But I can't afford to," Catherine said miserably, starting to cry in spite of herself. _Shut up, you stupid baby, you have no right to cry when you're the one who screwed up,_ she told herself, but the tears rolled thick and hot down her face anyway, Catherine wiping them away with fury bordering on desperation. "Not…not on this Quest. So much is at stake and what just happened—it can't," she finished lamely, voice breaking.

"The end of the world as we know it is upon us," said Elrond, reaching forward to grasp her chin. He tilted her face upwards, and Catherine stared at him in near awe, the sheer amount of hard years and lessons learned she read in his eyes rendering her mute. "I do not think it will come at the hands of two young women with short tempers," he finished. "You will both assist one another in whatever you may need in the weeks to come. To begin with, I ask you go to the healing wards together to have your injuries seen to."

Catherine was grateful for the dismissal. She'd never look anyone who had witnessed the fight in the eye again, especially not Legolas, who was still behind her. She got to her feet shakily, trying to hide her face. She knew she looked a mess when she cried. Blood vessels burst around her eyes, her nose got so snotty she couldn't breathe, and her whole face swelled up in misery. Catherine didn't want anyone to see her like this, let alone her patient teacher of the past few weeks.

"Come, Catherine," he said, "I will take you both to the healing wards. Try to quell those tears now. The worst is over, and there is no need for them."

"Yes, there is!" Catherine half snapped, half howled. "I know you're an elf and don't do anything as _stupid_ and _immature_ as cry, but I'm human and I just fucked up worse than I have in my entire life and I'll cry if I damn well want to."

"There is no need to lash out at me," said Legolas, the picture of calm. "It is undeserved and you know it, Catherine. Wallowing in self-pity will not solve this. You lost your temper. Dwelling on the mistake will not fix it, nor will it allow the clock to turn back. Gather your emotions. I know you are capable of it."

For whatever reason, the admonishment worked. Catherine's eyes started to dry, and she was able to take a few shaky yet deep breaths.

"I'm sorry," she said. The fight was still playing on a loop in her head in slow motion, even as her breathing evened. "God, I could have killed her." Catherine's eyes were starting to water again, but Legolas hushed her.

"No, you would not have. Boromir and I did not allow that to happen, and you would have come to your senses even if we had not been present to intervene."

"You don't know that."

"Yes, I do," he said firmly. "I know that you are a good person who, even in the worst of tempers, still realizes that everyone you encounter is real, with an incomprehensible amount happening inside them at any given moment. Yes, even Lady Evelyn," he said with a smile when Catherine raised an eyebrow. "You do not have the strength to end all that in a careless fit of rage. It is a good weakness, and I would not have you ashamed of it."

Catherine looked up at him, and the first clear thought since the whole ordeal had begun filtered into her head, like sunlight penetrating clouds gathered from a storm. If anyone could understand what she was feeling, it was Legolas, who had killed plenty in his lifetime—orcs, of course, which hardly counted as people—but she could tell he had had to reconcile with ending those lives anyway. It made Catherine feel better.

"Thank you. I mean it, thank you," she said again, wanting him to understand. "I still feel guilty for being so—for not handling the situation well, but I think it's a good guilt. I think I might need it, to keep control in the future."

"Lord Elrond is right," said Legolas with great gentleness. "What you have gone through could drive many to insanity. You have weathered it with maturity so far, but you could not have repressed that loss forever, Catherine. Learn from the mistake, and forgive yourself."

"Kitty! Hurry, before I bleed to death," Evelyn snarled. She had been stalking ahead of them and holding her nose, obviously aware that trying her luck with Legolas wasn't a good idea. Catherine looked at her, and the runs of sparkly pink that were the product of her fist, and sighed.

"When she cut me…do you think she meant to kill me?" she asked Legolas. His eyes shadowed.

"I do not know. She sets me ill at ease, and I would not have let her kill you. Whether she is capable of such an act is anyone's guess."

Catherine only nodded, grateful for his honesty. Her chest felt very tight, like all five hobbits were perched on top of it.

"Breathe, Catherine," said Legolas with a stern look. Catherine forced her lungs to expand.

"Coming, Evelyn," she called, and followed Evelyn into the healing wards to have her shoulder bandaged.

* * *

In spite of Legolas' reassuring words, Catherine avoided the hobbits for the rest of the week, and didn't even say hello to the twins when they returned from their scouting mission. She was dimly aware that if Elladan and Elrohir were back, the Fellowship would be leaving soon, a prospect that was steadily filling her with more terror. She didn't know how she would weather spending day after day with Evelyn, and kept thinking about everything that could go wrong if she lost her temper again.

Evelyn was certainly doing nothing to help Catherine relax either. She kept Catherine with her at all times and had her perform a number of demeaning tasks to "make up for the damage you did to my beautiful face." Catherine did what she was asked silently—brushing Evelyn's hair, complimenting Evelyn at meals, holding doors open for her, referring to Evelyn as 'mistress' and letting herself be treated as a handmaiden. Some part of her knew that this wasn't what Lord Elrond had in mind when he requested she do anything she could to help Evelyn heal, but Catherine's guilt eased a bit when Evelyn ordered her around, and she ignored the curious glances from those who noticed the change in her behavior.

"And when you're done mending my dresses, Kitty, you can accompany me down to the Hall of Fire and request that I sing," Evelyn was saying. Catherine kept her head down to avoid the smug glances Evelyn kept shooting her. Cerena Chlamydia was trailing them both, looking between the two with something approaching concern.

"Okay, Evelyn."

"You mean, 'Yes, Mistress'," corrected Evelyn with a smirk.

"Yes, Mistress."

Catherine was dreading going down to the Hall of Fire, where Legolas, the twins, and the hobbits would all be in attendance. She ignored those she knew and followed Evelyn to her customary Power Ballad Perch, sitting obediently. The five hobbits came up behind her, and Catherine tensed, wishing they would just realize she didn't want to talk.

"Hullo, Catherine," said Bilbo kindly, "It's been a while since I've seen you. How are you faring?"

"Just fine, Bilbo. Thank you," Catherine said tonelessly. Evelyn was giving her an expectant look. Catherine's face burned with embarrassment, but she didn't have it in her to rebel, not when she deserved every bit of her humiliation.

"Well, Kitty?"

"Won't you please sing a song, Mistress?" Catherine asked in a monotone. Bilbo's eyebrows shot up.

"Now, what's all this? I have heard what Lord Elrond has asked of the both of you to right the wrongs of your fight, Catherine. I hardly think helping Evelyn recover extends to letting her push you around like a slave, and I have yet to see her do anything to assist you."

"I haven't asked her," Catherine said angrily, "and I'm not gonna. I did her a wrong and maybe this is a stupid way of fixing things, but it makes me feel less guilty and honestly, that's all I want. I could have seriously injured her. I _did_ seriously injure her. She had to have a healer pull out two of the teeth I knocked lose."

The teeth in question, had, of course, grown back immediately (and shiner and whiter than ever before) but that was beside the point.

"But she, like, hurt you first," piped up Cerena Chlamydia. "Evvie's my—well, we came here together, so she has to be my friend, but she can be a real meanie. You look sad, Kitty. I think you should be nicer to yourself."

"Lady Cerena's right," said Frodo, and Cerena Chlamydia looked close to wetting herself with excitement at her 'adorable hobbity cutie pie studmuffin' agreeing with her. "We all make mistakes, Catherine. I have made some rather dire ones of my own of late." He rubbed his shoulder absently. "Have you not considered that Lady Evelyn wants you to feel helpless with guilt, so you cannot stand up to her on the Quest? I know you do not trust her, and my heart tells me it is for good reason, especially after what she did to you. What is your purpose if not to ensure that such a confrontation does not occur again?"

Frodo was right. Catherine didn't want to admit it, but her reaction was probably exactly what Evelyn had wanted. Maybe she had been able to afford self-pity, sorrow, and guilt in her own world, but the stakes were too high for emotion now. She had to try and be stronger, for Legolas and Frodo's sakes if not for her own. Cerena Chlamydia was staring at her with something close to understanding. It unnerved Catherine to no end, but it made sense. Cerena lived her whole life by Evelyn's whims.

"You look sad, Kitty," she repeated. "Why are you sad?" Catherine considered just brushing her off and leaving Cerena to her own devices. But a part of her told her that maybe, just maybe, if she was patient and a little bit honest with her, she might be saved from Evelyn's fate.

"I think I just feel like I don't have much of a place here of my own, beyond being tied to Evelyn's every action. And I'm lonely. I miss my friends and family. But, you know, I'm here and there's nothing I can do about it. No use crying over spilt milk—or glitter, in this case," she added, remembering how Evelyn's blood had looked more like a Barbie-themed nail polish.

"I, like, have my best friend here with me," Cerena Chlamydia nodded, looking at Evelyn, who was belting out "I Will Always Love You" to a disinterested conglomeration of elves. "But I'm a little lonely too."

"I'm sorry," Catherine said, meaning it. She felt bad for Cerena Chlamydia. Evelyn was an awful friend, dismissing and belittling her at every opportunity. Cerena just shrugged, but Catherine's resolve hardened. She was _not_ going to become a second doormat for Evelyn. Catherine hadn't arrived in Middle-earth to let a Mary Sue walk all over her in those ridiculous thigh-high boots.

"Excuse me, Kitty, but shouldn't you be making another request?" Evelyn called in a sickly sweet tone as she finished her song. Catherine stood.

"No," she said bluntly. "If you want to sing, you're gonna sing, and I hardly think you need a request. You haven't given a damn about what anyone here wants so far. Why start now?"

Evelyn's eyes narrowed. "Kitty, I am going to give you one warning. Defy me again, and I won't be so kind."

"It'll be a relief to be spared from your kindness, _Evvie,_ " Catherine snarled. "If you think you can put a leash on me that easily, think again. And you can call me Kitty all you want, but it's obvious to me that the real pussy here is you."

Cerena Chlamydia giggled. " _Bam,_ mic drop," she said, startling Evelyn out of her daze.

"You aren't supposed to actually say mic drop, you nimwit."

"Um, it's either dimwit or nimrod," said Catherine. "I suggest you work on your insults. Here's a nice easy one you can practice: _bitch."_

She strode back out of the Hall of Fire feeling a thousand times lighter, smiling at Legolas. He nodded, a slight twinkle in his eyes, and Catherine knew then she had absolutely made the right choice.

* * *

 **A/N: Next chapter is gonna be a bit different. I've written it entirely from Cerena Chlamydia's perspective a la "The Very Secret Diaries" as a chance to develop her character a bit more and take a break from Catherine's stream of consciousness. Please review, and next update should be in a week as per usual. Love ya guys!**


	7. From the Desk of Cerena Chlamydia

**A/N: Too much homework to get everything done! I am so, so sorry, but here's the next chap. The editing might be a bit shaky because I didn't have much time, but hopefully you'll enjoy it anyways. Thanks to everyone who reviewed. You guys are wonderful. It's time for a brief break from Catherine's thoughts. Here comes actual information directly from the brain of Cerena Chlamydia. I owe an obvious debt to "The Very Secret Diaries". Also, Pippin is inappropriate and Evelyn throws the Fellowship a curveball.**

 **Chapter Seven: Ruminations from the desk (or conveniently flat piece of rock on which to write on) of Cerena Chandelier Chlamydia, first of her name.**

* * *

Found diary in pretty, pretty room. Diary not so pretty. Not pink or sparkly, like old one from home, and no lock to keep Evvie out. She always tries to read my diaries. Writing without gel pen most difficult for my delicate, long fingered hands. Though not so delicate anymore, as nail polish v. chipped. Lord Elronny called us to his office today. And by us I mean, like, the company. He said we're leaving tomorrow. Frodo looked really scared, and so did Kitty, but Evvie got all squealy and jumpy and said that if Mordor was hot she would bring her bikini and how could Leggy resist her then?

Kitty said, "We're not going to have enough drinking water, let alone water to swim in. What, do you think Sauron sets up convenient spas all around Mordor for his minions' benefit?"

I hate to go against Evvie, who sometimes tries to scratch my skin off if I disagree with her, but I think Kitty might have a point. Lord Elronny also said:

"Take this night to have what last comforts you can, as they will be few and far between on the road."

I tried to sit with Evvie but she was busy singing to Leggy Weggy. I tried to go sit with Kitty and Frodo and those other hobbits instead, and that was a little better, I guess. They didn't really talk to me, and Kitty was real quiet and scared looking, but she asked how I was. I said I didn't really know. She nodded, and Frodo smiled at me. He's, like, really adorable, but also half my height, which could bring up some problems. And the whole Ring of Doom thing is kinda unsexy too.

I guess the height might have it's, like, advantages tho? Tee hee!

Ew. That was, like, something Evvie might say. I just grossed myself out. Won't look at Frodo for a few days, at least. I'm kinda scared myself, even though my martial arts skills are, like, invincible. What if I actually break a nail on this quest? Or, like, die. Whichever one's worse.

* * *

Kitty was happy at breakfast today. She sat down next to me and said "Guess who no longer has eyes that shine with the viridian sparkles of, like, the prettiest emeralds ever?" Leggy smiled and said, "Who, Lady Catherine?" and she smiled back at him and said "Me! They're just plain, muddy, swampy brown. Thank God for small favors." Evvie's eye started to twitch and she started to say something mean but I kicked her and pretended like I didn't know her leg was there. Like I couldn't. Nobody else wears boots like that here. Except for, like, me. And even my feet are starting to get tired of being improperly supported all the time.

What does viridian mean, anyway? It sounds like one of those sex diseases. Anyway, Evvie was doing that thing where she takes really small bites and looks around like she wants someone to ask her why she's eating so little so she can say, like, "because I am maintaining my slender, flower-stem physique" or something. She glared at me when I tried to eat some bread but Kitty smiled at me and said,

"You should eat if you want to, Cerena. We're not gonna have food this good for a long time." I think she means it's going to be awhile before we arrive in that Loth L'Oreal place.

Kitty's kinda nice sometimes. Actually, she's nice most of the time, just not to Evvie.

Anyway, Evvie made me carry her suitcases for her and when I asked why they were so heavy she got all huffy and said she should have just packed all of her stuff in my head because there was plenty of empty space in there.

Evvie's kinda a bitch.

* * *

We've left! Yay! Well, I guess its yay. No one else looks that happy about leaving and I get it because Rivendell is really pretty and nice. Lord Elronny said this thing about the blessings of all free folk going with us and a really pretty elf lady started crying and Gornie looked at her. She was, like, the sort of pretty people write famous love songs about. Or become the king of that Gondie place for. I asked Kitty if that was Arwen and she said yes. I said,

"I guess I understand why Gornie's, like, in love with her then." Kitty asked me what made me understand, and I said that she was really pretty but it made her look sadder and sad people are often smart, 'cause thinking about things can make you sad (also tired) and why wouldn't Gornie love her if she was smart and pretty? Kitty looked kind of surprised and said she thought that sounded weirdly astute.

I'm not astute! I'm not short and fat, like that one dwarf Leggy doesn't like. Kitty shook her head and said "Astute, not stout, silly." She kinda laughed, but it didn't feel mean the way it does when Evvie laughs.

We're out of Rivendell now, and there's lots of grass and dirt, like, everywhere. They should a hire a landscaper like my daddy did before I left. My opalescent hair is super, super pretty, but I kinda wish I had something easier to keep nice. White just shows all the dust and gross stuff. No one's really talking to me, but at least they aren't glaring at me like they used to. They're looking at Evvie kinda meanly, but that's only because she keeps insulting the dwarf and told Sam his cooking had too many calories and that his bacon was greasier than Kitty's hair.

Kitty said, "At least it's not cold. Unlike your soul." Sam smiled but Evvie got really huffy and asked Kitty if it was that time of month. Kitty just said,

"We can't all have magical ovaries that bleed sparkles and perfume like you, Evelyn," which made Evvie be quiet and got everyone else get flustered. Then Evvie said, "If you get any hairier when we're on the road, Kitty, you may be mistaken for a bear, so I guess it's a good thing there aren't guns in Middle-earth. It would be a shame if anyone were to shoot you." Kitty got all angry looking but stayed quiet.

I told Sam thought his cooking was super yummy and he said, "Thank you, Miss Cerena" and Frodo smiled at me. That was nice, and not just because Frodo's, like, adorable.

But then Evvie got all huffy and told me to brush her hair to keep it shining like a river of oil and I didn't want her to try and pull mine out again if I said no so I did it but said sorry to Kitty first. She was talking to Leggy so I don't think she really missed me. She's trying to explain how house elves are different from the hot, hot kind.

If anyone's hair looks greasy, it's Evvie's. But I probably shouldn't write that, since she'll probably steal my diary.

* * *

Walking, walking, walking. V. boring and my feet hurt. Wish I had listened when Kitty told me my favorite heels weren't good for going on quests. I think my feet are bleeding. At least blood makes shoes v. sparkly. Pippin (I remembered more names!) asked me if I was okay when I stumbled on another dirty old rock and I said yes but he told Gornie I was hurt anyways and Gornie bandaged my feet and gave me an extra pair of boots. They're too big for me and my feet keep sliding around and Kitty offered to lend me the extra pair she packed but her feet are, like, bigger than Gornie's. It's nice that they care though.

Evvie tried to dance for Legolas during dinner and tripped (Kitty started whistling when it happened) and almost lit her hair on fire, but Gornie didn't try to heal her. I think he was still kinda in shock from the type of dancing Evvie was doing. Kitty's eye kept twitching when she started twerking.

Evvie took a nap while we ate (I think she's tired from not eating much) and started drooling in her sleep again and mumbling about licking her Elvish studmuffin and Leggy got real scared. Kitty said to watch out before she tried to lick his face in her sleep and Pippin said kinda quietly,

"I think she'd rather lick something else."

Kitty laughed so hard her soup came out of her nose, and Leggy started laughing too even though Kitty kept saying it really hurt and he shouldn't laugh at her pain. Sam kept going "Mr. Pippin, you ought to know better," and Frodo was kinda grinning while trying to scold him. It was nice. He usually looks so sad.

I wish I could make him, like, happier. Not just 'cause he's adorable. It was such a nice night. We were all friends.

* * *

I forget what day it is. Been walking too long to have, like, a concept of time. Plus, I took the longest shift last night so I'm v. tired and everything is a bit fuzzy. I think my perfect eyesight might be going. But it was worth it. When I took over from Gimli (I learned his name!) he said,

"Thank you, lass. Make sure you get at least a nap in so you're ready to walk tomorrow," and clapped me on the shoulder. It wasn't, like, a delicate touch of pure romance like Evvie's always going on about, but it made me happy anyways. I miss being hugged and stuff by my friends back at home. Evvie said there wouldn't be anything to miss in Middle-earth because we'd be too busy hooking up with hot, hot elves, but I think she was lying.

Anyway, today we climbed over big, big rocks. Kitty kept stumbling and almost twisted her ankle and the ginger man Evvie says is evil offered to help her. Kitty said she was fine, and Leggy was all,

"Hush, Catherine, and let Boromir assist you. You will only hinder us if you end up injured."

Kitty blushed and let him help her up the biggest rocks but mumbled something about how she was going to turn into a Mary Sue twice as fast if she kept letting handsome men assist her right and left. Boromir smiled and Merry asked who Mary Sue is and why she shared his name.

"Don't worry, it's not even spelled the same. They—well, I'm not going to name names because that's not really fair—but they usually are perfect in every conceivable way. So perfect they are actually kind of loathsome, and everything comes to them easily, especially relationships. They fall in love with every good-looking person they meet and expect to be loved back, usually instantly and without any genuine basis for a romance. They also screw things up by trying to be perfect and irresistible."

"And they are from your world?" That was Pippin. He's nice to me. Sometimes he says "good morning" and asks me how I am and we eat together.

"Yes, generally, though they often seek out environments where the percentages of handsome men and potential heroic moments are higher. This company is pretty much an ideal breeding ground for the Mary Sue."

They all looked at Evvie, who was waving around her sword again and singing. Maybe she shouldn't sing. Gornie says we have to be careful to not alert anyone to our presence. Even though they didn't really look at me, I felt bad. Evvie is definitely a Mary Sue, and I think I am too. Maybe that's why they don't like us.

"You fear becoming one," said Leggy, and gave Kitty one of those elfy looks. Like he knew everything she was thinking.

"Well, yes. Not that I'm perfect, and I have no desire to be. Perfect isn't very interesting. I think learning someone's weaknesses is the best way to become _real_ friends. You have to know their faults to appreciate their strengths, right? If you have none, you're just going to end up flat. Boring. I don't want that."

Kitty got quiet and I was too because I was trying to think if I have weaknesses. I know Evvie doesn't think she does. Or she thinks her weaknesses are actually good. Like, she thinks her meanness is just being blunt or clever, but it actually hurts. I think I have weaknesses. I know I'm not very smart. People roll their eyes at me a lot.

"And why do you think you are in danger of becoming one?" Frodo asked.

"My appearance did change a lot when I arrived, but it's starting to go back to normal. At least I no longer have the proportions of a Barbie doll. And I've obviously made mistakes while I've been here. What worries me the most is that you're all just…well, you've been so nice to me. It's hard to imagine a gorgeous elf who's seen more in one lifetime than three generations of my family combined could ever want to talk to me. I'm only twenty-three, and I'm not really anything special."

Kitty looked at her feet and Leggy looked like he thought she was funny. Like, interesting type funny. He just kinda said "Catherine", in that elfy way of his and Kitty turned a little red.

"We are kind to you because you are our friend, Catherine," Frodo said, like he was talking to someone small who needed help understanding things. I've heard him use the same voice with Pippin, sometimes, when he says something clueless and Gandalf calls him a Fool of Took. Kitty just shrugged and looked uncomfortable. Then Pippin said that if Kitty was gonna fall madly in love with anyone in the company, it would be him, as he was the only handsome and intelligent member and Merry punched him on the shoulder and said "in your dreams." Kitty laughed.

I guess they actually care about cheering her up. Frodo said she's their friend, and I think he meant it. I wish they wanted to cheer me up. Not that I need cheering, but I miss my old friends, and I haven't really made any new ones yet, except Kitty. Maybe she'd just nice to me 'cause she's afraid I'm gonna help Evvie, like, take over the world. I don't even know how to be friends with the Fellowship. They're all so serious. It's hard to know what to say.

Maybe I'll walk with Evvie tomorrow. She always has ideas.

* * *

Walked with Evvie today. Her hair still smells like mangos even though Lord Elronny told us not to bring anything frivolous and I think her mango-coconut body spray counts as frivolous. Poor Bill the Pony has enough to carry. I'm okay with being gross and greasy and looking like death so long as it means more room for important things. Well, mostly. I'd really like a bath. With bubbles. Pink ones, obvs.

I tried to ask Evvie how we were gonna make friends but she just got mad at me and said that as long as we kept being beautifuler than everyone else and showed off our awesome skills things would work out. Then she called after Leggy and said,

"Oh Leggy-chan, do you want me to cook you something special tonight? My cooking is legendary and certainly better than what we've been eating so far. I could even cut your food into little heart shapes to show how much I love you, sweetie."

Leggy tried to smile and say no nicely but just looked like he tasted something really bad. Sam got angry and Frodo told him that his cooking could put the best of the free peoples to shame and that he should just ignore her. It's sweet, the way they always lift each other up. I wish they'd do it for me.

I told Evvie that I didn't think being prettier and awesomer than everyone was working and she just said,

"Fine, then you can go over there with Kitty and you both can be walking warning for everything that's hygienically wrong with camping," and followed after Leggy.

Maybe I shouldn't call him Leggy anymore. Kitty only ever calls him Legolas and he doesn't, like, run away when he sees her coming. Actually, Kitty usually calls him Your Highness and also calls Boromir, Aragorn, and Gimli My Lord or Sire. I think she'd call the hobbits Sir if she weren't friends with them. It's like she's a little scared of everyone except me, since I'm just Cerena. I guess since I'm not their friend, it's okay for me to do it.

Update: Sam made stew for dinner again and I said _thank you sir_ instead of just thank you when he gave me my portion. He turned pinkish (but not sparkly) and said,

"There's no need to be callin' me sir now, miss."

"Yeah, but you're, like, doing us a favor by making good food for us and I wanted to show that I appreciate it." Sam mumbled thank you and Frodo smiled at me and said,

"That's kind of you, Cerena." I felt so happy I wanted to sing. But I don't really know any appropriate songs for the feeling. It was like I actually didn't want to sing a song about shaking my hips and stuff. Weird.

Also, I asked Aragorn why the ground was getting so rocky and tried calling him My Lord and he didn't roll his eyes. He said,

"We are approaching the ruins of Eregion, milady, known as Hollin in the common speech. The terrain will only become rockier, I fear, as we approach the Misty Mountains."

I went to sit next to Kitty who was trying to figure out which constellations are the same here and in Middle-earth with Pippin. The stars were really pretty. I thought I'd, like, miss my computer and electricity and stuff but the stars are so much brighter here. I asked Kitty why and she said it was because there wasn't light pollution. Then she said,

"I heard you talking to Aragorn earlier. I don't think I've heard you call anyone except Lord Elrond 'Lord'," and she looked curious so I decided to tell her.

"Well, I, like, asked Evvie why no one wanted to be friends with me yet and she said we needed to keep being, like, prettier and awesomer than everyone but that seemed wrong to me. Like, didn't you say being perfect was boring? But you have friends, Kitty, even though you aren't super beautiful and you get all weird about Mary Sues and stuff and you're usually respectful to everyone so I thought I'd see if that, like, makes a difference."

"Ah. And have you drawn any conclusions?" Kitty asked, and she actually looked interested.

"I don't know if everyone still thinks I'm annoying, and, like, stupid, but it feels nice to call them by titles. They've done, like, so much, and it's nice acknow—acknowled—"

"Acknowledging their accomplishments?" Kitty said, and even though she was kinda correcting me it didn't feel like she was being mean. More like she was agreeing with me.

Anyway, I'm going to sleep now. We have to pick up pace tomorrow to reach Eregion. It's still winter and it's getting colder out the higher up we get and Aragorn is getting anxious about the weather. I'll be up for watch in around four hours, I think.

* * *

We reached Eregion today! The ruins are really beautiful, and I think these are the whitest rocks I've ever seen, only they don't look fake, like the marble counters in my old house did. At the same time it's kinda sad, 'cause the rocks are abandoned and they are so beautiful and old and it doesn't seem, like, fair that no one gets to see them anymore. I'm glad I'm, like, seeing them. I heard Legolas asking Kitty if her history books talked about Eregion at all and she said,

"A little. But I'm afraid I didn't do a very good job of paying attention. I'd like to hear more." And because the hobbits looked curious too Legolas sat with us while Sam was preparing our midday meal (we get hot food today because the rocks provide shelter from prying eyes, according to Aragorn) and told us about it:

"Well, as you probably know, Catherine, it was a colony of the Ñoldorim first, ruled by Galadriel—"

"But I thought Galadriel was in Loth L'Oreal," I said and Legolas didn't get mad at me for interrupting like Evvie does when I interrupt her.

"Lothlorién is Galadriel's second home. The elves under her rule took much the same road as we are on now, crossing the Misty Mountains to develop their new kingdom. In fact, if I am not mistaken, Gandalf plans on visiting the Golden Wood for a time before we continue up the Anduin."

"This is where Sauron forged the nine and seven too, right?" Kitty asked quietly, and Frodo looked away and Sam gave Kitty a scolding look. I guess he doesn't want to talk about the Ring. I guess if I was the one with the evil jewelry, I wouldn't wanna talk about it either. I tried to smile at him so he'd know I, like, understand, and he nodded at me. I wish I could make it easier. I'd hug him or something but he's, like, afraid of me. He jumps a little whenever he sees me.

"Yes, though in those days we knew him only as Annatar, lord of gifts, though he was not unanimously trusted. Thus Celebrimbor forged the three in secret here in these ruins."

Legolas put a hand on the stone like he could feel all the memories it had in it. I think it's an elfy thing. Then Boromir asked Merry and Pippin if they wanted to spar and Gandalf and Gimli started arguing about Moria. I wish we didn't have to go up the stupid mountain at all. Is there even any point to freezing to death if we just end up going through the mines anyway? But I guess Kitty would say, it's, like, too dangerous to change anything. Then Legolas looked around and asked,

"Say, where is Lady Evelyn? I have not seen her since our arrival."

"Last I saw she was flouncing about in something aggressively pink and serenading the poor passing wildlife," Kitty said, though she looked worried. "Same old, same old."

"Her absence unsettles me. It is not that I do not trust her, it is just that I…"

"Do not trust her," Kitty finished. But we forgot all about Evvie when those birds came and we all had to hide. I ended up with the hobbits which was nice because Frodo, like, smiled at me and told me to duck so I wouldn't bump my head. Maybe they don't hate me now. When the birds had, like, passed, we all got out and Aragorn started doing that thing where he fingers his sword and looks around all grim-like and Evelyn came out from the nearby trees with one of her bags.

"Lady Evelyn, where were you, and why did you not inform us where you were headed? Spies of Saruman arrived while you were unaccounted for. You may have risked the entire Quest because you saw fit to wander," said Gandalf, and I think I would have peed if he had been looking at _me_ like that. But Evvie is really good at not being scared. She looked kinda shifty though.

"Forgive me," she said, and she didn't even try to say anything lovey to Legolas. "I was merely relieving myself."

Kitty looked really doubtful at that.

"Mary Sues don't pee."

"Forgive me for not harvesting proof for you. Everyone pees, Kitty dear."

"You don't even bleed normally, and that's the most basic human function there is, and I have never once seen you sweat either, even when you're carrying around a sword three times your body weight. Sorry if I don't believe you can do anything as gross as pee."

"Ugh, would you like me to collect you a sample? Just because I'm not as obvious about squatting behind bushes as you are doesn't mean—"

"Ladies," said Boromir in a calm-down-you-silly-children voice. "Please. I doubt it matters now, anyway. If Lady Evelyn was seen, she was seen."

"And she is back now, in any case. We need to move on from this spot," said Aragorn. "The shadow from the crebain may have passed, but my heart is not eased. They will be back, and we may not be as lucky as to avoid being seen a second time. If we were lucky at all this time around."

Everyone looked at Evvie, but she actually had one of those weird looks she gets when she's planning something.

"Actually, before we go, I'd like to say a few words."

"Legolas is well aware of your, ahem, _feelings_ for him, Evelyn."

I don't think Legolas needed a reminder, but Evvie didn't start trying to stroke his hair or kiss him or anything, and he relaxed a little.

"No, actually, this isn't about Legolas. I want to apologize. To you first, Kitty, and then to the rest of the Fellowship."

Well, I really didn't see that one coming. Not that I, like, see much coming. My eyes are pretty, but they aren't very good at, like, seeing. Oh well.

* * *

 **Good, bad, horrible, worst thing ever? Please, let me know! Nothing makes me want to keep on writing like feedback. Again, sorry about the lateness. Art History is keeping me pretty busy I hope you enjoyed, and please review.**


	8. Let the Right One In

**A/N: Hullo, peeps. There are no excuses, really, except life basically kicking me in the gut nonstop for a spell. I'm in college (and a year early, yay for me!) and keeping up with everything has been Hectic and Terrifying™. But I've had truly miserable, allergy-riddled, political tensioned week and wanted the illusion of productivity in between hacking up balls of phlegm and watching the news and lo, the fanfiction gods came before me, speaking words of wisdom: Lothelen, write another chapter of your dumb Mary Sue parody.**

 **So here ya have it. Featuring Feminist!Sue, Sue-tells-Fellowship-a-modern-story trope, a joke that is definitely not g-rated, and snow.**

 **Maybe comment if you're still around?**

 **Chapter 8: Let the Right One In**

* * *

Stunned silence greeted Evelyn's announcement. Cerena Chlamydia looked up from the little book Catherine had seen her scribbling in whenever they stopped for a breather. A bite of sausage fell from Pippin's mouth and landed on his plate with a soft plop. Legolas not-so-subtly fingered his bowstring. Evelyn fidgeted, and Catherine got the sense it was taking every sparkly pore in her being not to look in his direction. Still, she kept her eyes fixed on Catherine.

"I'm sorry," Catherine stuttered, not even bothering to hide her shock. It was weird enough that Cerena Chlamydia was slowly acting less and less like a plastic android programmed to make hot love to any handsome characters she encountered. But now Evelyn, who had been acting exactly the same just yesterday?

"Sorry," she repeated, feeling more and more like she was probably still asleep and the dream producing part of her brain was playing a sick joke on her. But then, she'd thought the same thing when she woke up in Middle-earth, and look how that turned out.

"Yes, that is the general purpose of an apology," Evelyn muttered, with an awkward laugh that was still somehow too breathy and bubbly.

"Huh?" Catherine said intelligently. Her head felt like it was going to explode if this continued much longer. At least Evelyn would probably be the one to scrub her brains from the rocks…

"Saying sorry. Duh," Evelyn said, rolling her eyes so hard it was a wonder they didn't get stuck.

"Look, Evelyn, no one here wants to play your reindeer games, so why don't you take a good long think over what exactly you're trying to do now to seduce Legolas and if it's really worth it—"

"I want to apologize," Evelyn repeated. "I want to, I mean it. It's been, well, it's been harder than I expected, landing here. I thought it would be a cakewalk being in Middle-earth after I dreamed about it for so long. I thought that making friends would be as easy as selling girl-scout cookies. But I've actually been kind of…well, kind of lonely. I miss my old friends, and my family. You've been a reminder of everything I've left behind, Kitty. I know it's no excuse for my behavior, but I thought maybe if you understood why I acted like I did…"

Cerena Chlamydia was blinking at Catherine, brow furrowed with something like contemplation. The rest of the Fellowship was looking at Evelyn in unabashed suspicion, no doubt realizing just how scripted the apology sounded, but Catherine kept her eyes on Evelyn.

"You've caused everyone a lot of stress," she said, trying to keep her voice gentle, "All three of us have felt misplaced, Evelyn, but no one has been as cruel or invasive as you."

"I know," Evelyn nodded. "I've never been very good at dealing with my feelings. I try to fix things instead of…well, coping. It doesn't forgive what I've done, but I've just been so…so _alone._ "

A crystal tear fell from one eye and rolled down her cheek. Evelyn wiped it away sheepishly. Legolas' eyes had narrowed, having seen Evelyn "cry" plenty of times, but Catherine didn't notice. Evelyn admitting to all the things she herself had been feeling—the loneliness and sense that no one really understood her closing in at all sides even when she was surrounded by new friends—brought everything she had lost home to her with brutal force.

And truthfully, it was starting to tire her out, never knowing how to act around the members of the Fellowship to avoid being a Mary Sue. She wanted to be their friend, but all the bonding she did felt fake, and temporary somehow. It was a band-aid over the still open wound left behind by her few friends at home, the ones she didn't have to worry about becoming a silly fanfiction trope with. Catherine was exhausted. She was tired of second-guessing her every move, tired of working overtime to anticipate everything Evelyn did and how to counter it, and Evelyn apologizing was a welcome weight off her shoulders. Catherine was too damn tired to even be suspicious. She just wanted to forget about her worries for a moment and have a friend—a friend who understood.

"I get it. I'm alone too. Please don't cry. I forgive you. Can you forgive me too, for hitting you? God knows I haven't exactly been an angel myself. Here," she said, and got up to wrap her arms around Evelyn, who cried weakly into her shoulder. Catherine's own dam burst, and they spent a good ten minutes wrapped around each other and sobbing. The Fellowship watched the two girls silently, torn between shock at watching Evelyn show an emotion other than lust or cruelty and apprehension for Catherine, who drew back to give Evelyn a watery smile.

"We have to be moving on now," she said. "Walk with me, okay? We can talk, or something. I mean, I'm grateful for the friends I've made here, but it's been hard, having no one who understands how much I left behind."

"That's exactly how I feel," said Evelyn quietly. Cerena Chlamydia looked between the two of them, a melancholy shadow passing briefly over her eyes.

Catherine spent much of the following day's hike up through the foothills of Caradhras talking to Evelyn, talking about everything and nothing; foods they wished existed in Middle-earth, movies they would watch one more time. Catherine was sure it was incomprehensible to most of the Fellowship but didn't really care. It felt warm and cozy being a part of every inside joke and pop culture reference Evelyn made. Evelyn had the perfect responses to express what Catherine was feeling, and even though she wanted to be suspicious and draw back, at least until she was sure the whole thing wasn't just a charade for a plan Evelyn was hatching, Catherine didn't have the strength. She hadn't realized how much she had missed having another girl to talk to.

There was always Cerena of course, who was trailing them looking like a kicked puppy, but Evelyn was easier to have a conversation with. She said the right things and was just supportive enough without making Catherine claustrophobic.

She was also grateful for a further diversion from the sheer amount of walking they were doing. Catherine had previously occupied herself by imagining their trek set to various power songs like "The Eye of the Tiger" with plenty of close ups of her looking very "I am woman hear me roar", but that got tedious after awhile. The reality was sweaty, cramp-y and thoroughly un-majestic. Legolas, for all of his support, had yet to master the refined art of chitchatting, and was apt to say things like "This cold has done nothing to ease the threat this mountain poses". _Elves._ Maybe it was a Sue thing, but when Evelyn wasn't being a scheming bitch, she was vivacious, funny, entertaining, and didn't even say "like" every other word. In short, just what Catherine needed.

By the next day, the temperature had dropped even more, and the hobbits were starting to shiver. Catherine had forsaken bringing as many changes of clothes as her companions in favor of packing extra blankets instead, remembering just how close they would come to freezing to death on the mountain. They wouldn't do much good once the cold became wet, but for now it was only a keening wind nipping at their ears, and the hobbits sighed gratefully when Catherine attempted to fashion them extra layers of warmth with safety pins she had procured in Rivendell, with help from Sam, who shrugged off his own blankets in favor of Frodo getting extra protection from the cold.

"Thanks, Kitty," Pippin said, shivering. "How come these are the right size? Our own blankets are too long to wear. We'd trip."

"I asked the twins if there were any shabbier linens Lord Elrond wouldn't mind having altered, and took what I found down to the seamstresses," Catherine murmured. "It's Mary-Sueish, but screw it. I don't want to have to watch Aragorn amputate any frozen limbs, and you four are gonna feel the worst of the cold. Wish I had thought to bring extra socks or something too. Are hobbit toes susceptible to frostbite? We wouldn't want you losing any."

She laughed at the expressions of exaggerated horror on the four hobbits' faces, but turned when Evelyn called after her.

"Hey, Kitty, it's a good thing there aren't yetis in Middle-earth. The mountain looks just like the Matterhorn from here."

"What about the friendly kind, like the abominable snow monster in _Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer_?" Catherine yelled over the wind, traipsing after her. Cerena Chlamydia was shivering beneath the nearest overhang in the rock, and Catherine smiled at her when she looked up, face pink and miserable from the teeth of the gale. She felt a hand catch the back of her cloak before she could catch up to Evelyn, and turned to see Frodo, looking at her with wide eyes.

"Catherine, do be careful around her. I know she apologized, but I feel colder when she's around."

"I know. I'm keeping both eyes open," Catherine murmured. "But you have to understand, Frodo. It's not right, not being able to trust each other. We're a Fellowship, and we're all supposed to be united under the same purpose: keeping you safe. If she wants to be friends, I'm going to give her that chance."

"I understand," said Frodo, though he didn't look like he did.

"You've been to Disneyland, right Kitty?" asked Evelyn when Catherine was walking next to her again.

"Once, when I was five. The Matterhorn scared me so bad the first time I went on it. Y'know the part where the yeti jumps out at you? I peed myself, and my dad refused to buy me an overpriced pair of pants from one of the stores, so we ended up going home early. It was one of the great disappointments of my childhood."

"It's crazy that we're never going to watch a Disney princess movie again, huh?" Evelyn asked, stopping to look out over the lip of the bluff. The clouds were thickening the sky in swirls of cotton candy pink and buttery, popcorn-shaped bursts, but the small amounts of grey peering through their fluffy fingers made a less pleasant promise: snow was to come, and quickly.

"Yeah. I always wanted to be Ariel, when I was little. Seems silly now. It's really not the most feminist movie," Catherine said, fear of the cold to come settling uneasily in her stomach like a bad meal. "I'd never give up everything for a boy I'd just met now."

"You do have red hair," Evelyn said, fingering a strand of it with a funny little smile that made Catherine wonder if the rest of the Fellowship was right to not trust her. Evelyn complimenting her was just too weird. At least her hair was steadily losing its Kool Aid intensity.

"Who gives up everything for a boy?" Merry asked, voice muffled from the scarf he had wrapped around his mouth and nose.

"Ariel, a heroine from one of the most popular fairytales in our home," said Catherine. Pippin expressed further curiosity, and Catherine spent some time in the company of the hobbits again, telling the story of _The Little Mermaid_. It was a classic Sue cliché, telling them stories from her world, but the cold numbed everything, including Catherine's constant fretting. She caught Aragorn looking at them towards the end, and wondered if he was thinking about Arwen. There really were too many love stories about sacrifice.

"Of course, the non Disney version is a lot darker," she finished. Cerena looked curious.

"Do Ariel and Eric not, like, end up together?"

"Nope. If I remember correctly, to start with, in addition to losing her voice in exchange for legs, every step Ariel takes feels like stepping on knives."

Even the hobbits winced at that description, toes wriggling. Catherine smirked.

"To top it all off, the prince falls in love with another girl he thinks rescued him after the shipwreck. I think she's also his cousin, so you get a little incest in there too. Because of the bargain with the sea witch, Ariel will turn into sea foam if her prince marries another. I think her sisters sell their hair to Ursula to save Ariel's life, and Ursula gives them a dagger. If Ariel kills the prince and lets his blood drip on her feet, she becomes a mermaid again. If not, she turns into sea foam. But Ariel can't bring herself to kill the prince. I forget the exact ending, but I think in some versions she becomes an angel. In others she just dies."

"But that's—that's just horrible!" Cerena said, eyes huge. "After everything she gave up, she should've at least gotten to live, like, happily ever after with her prince."

"It's pretty grim," Catherine shrugged, "but more realistic, I guess. Happily ever afters aren't really guaranteed in real life."

"But its not real life," Cerena Chlamydia protested. "It's supposed to be a love story."

Aragorn looked away again, and Frodo fingered the chain around his neck, staring ahead blankly. They marched on in silence for some time.

That night, they reached a grove of trees that Boromir predicted would be the last they would encounter for some time. Gandalf gave a long sigh when Boromir proposed he and Gimli go and collect more firewood.

"Yes, yes. You may go. Remember, though, that it is only to be used if the choice between fire and death is upon us."

"Well, on that pleasant note, I say Kitty and I go and help," chirped Evelyn, grabbing Catherine's hand. Catherine slipped it away carefully, not quite sure why she didn't want Evelyn touching her.

"Um, sure. We probably should," she acquiesced, but a jitteriness filled her at the idea of time alone with Evelyn. Well, at least Boromir and Gimli would be nearby in case anything happened.

"Catherine, a word if you please," Legolas said, taking her arm so as not to give her a choice. Catherine followed him out of Evelyn's earshot, looking up at his grim expression. "Are you sure you are right to trust her?" he asked bluntly, grasping her shoulders to look her in the eye.

"No, I'm not. But I'm going to anyways," Catherine answered, fighting to match his stare.

"I would not leave you alone with her," said Legolas, "Remember, Catherine, that no matter how many times she apologizes, she deliberately cut you in Rivendell. You could have lost a fatal amount of blood had we not been there to pull her off you. I say she must prove her intentions first, before you extend the hand of friendship so easily."

"Legolas," Catherine said gently, taking his hands from her shoulders, "Yes, she hurt me, and I beat her half to death. I think we've been selfish, not sparing any thought to the effect all of this has been having on Evelyn and Cerena. Remember how you said I wouldn't have been able to kill her even if I wanted to, because like it or not, she's a human being and it isn't that simple? I think we're forgetting that even if they are Mary Sues, they still have feelings. It's been a hard and lonely time for all of us."

"All the same," said Legolas stubbornly, "Evelyn has been consistently cruel, with disregard for anyone's feelings but her own since her arrival in Imladris. I do not see why you feel obligated to extend her a courtesy she has not shared with you. Catherine, you have a generous heart and a willingness to trust that is rare, after all she has done to you. Do not let it be your undoing."

"Maybe I'm making a mistake," Catherine said, "But I don't care at this point. Legolas, you've all become my friends. But you—I mean, we're literally worlds apart. It's been so lonely, being surrounded by people with my best interests at heart and none of them able to understand why I'm sad. Evelyn's been horrible, but she's from my world and she knows what I'm missing. I'm willing to risk a lot to have a bit of my home back."

Legolas observed her silently for a moment, and Catherine stared back at him, eyes stinging from the cold. A few snowflakes drifted lazily from the sky, landing on his cloak and melting instantly into little wet freckles.

"Besides," she snuffled, looking over her shoulder to where the Fellowship was eyeing Evelyn warily, "Boromir and Gimli will be in hearing range. I'll scream if she pulls anything."

"Fear not, elf," Gimli grunted at Legolas as Catherine and Evelyn followed Boromir into the grove, "We'll look after her."

Catherine jumped every time a twig crackled and a bird chirped while they gathered the wood, noticing how the shadows between trees thickened until she could see no light beyond their branches. Either that, or night had fallen already. She kept whirling around to make sure Evelyn wasn't heading her way with a machete, Michael Myers style. The chances of dying on the Quest were good, but Catherine would rather die in a heroic battle with an orc than because she had been stupid enough to let a Mary Sue sneak up on her. She was clammy and nauseated by the time they were ready to head back, arms almost shaking too much to hold her wood.

"Deep breaths, Kitty," Evelyn chirped, beaming at her. "You're jumping at every shadow you see. Remember, no orcs until Moria. Take a chill pill."

"Well, actually, there are the wargs before we get to Moria," Catherine muttered, "but I guess I don't have to worry about that right now."

Right now, worrying about the cold was the thing to do. Sure enough, just before the Fellowship stopped for the night, it began to snow.

…

By midday on the morrow, Catherine was pretty sure she'd be carried back down the mountain in a matchbox. She couldn't feel her legs, but looking around brought to home that her companions for the most part were even worse off. The hobbits could barely move their mouths to speak, Frodo's nose was so bright red Catherine thought he might be mistaken for Rudolph in her world, and Cerena Chlamydia's lips were actually blue. The only members of the company that were unaffected by the cold were Evelyn and Legolas. Legolas expressed his apathy to the weather by walking atop the snow and frequently pausing to look out over the vista, an act Gimli referred to as "nancing around". Much as she liked Legolas, Catherine was inclined to agree with the dwarf.

Evelyn may have been friendly (or doing a very good job at appearing friendly), but still had plenty of Sue-ish tendencies, including the ability to stay unruffled and perfect in appearance and the need to constantly sing. She spent the day wheeling off Christmas Carols at the top of her lungs, and though Catherine felt awful for thinking it when Evelyn was making a genuine effort to be less horrible, her fingers were itching to close around her glittery throat and silence her forever by Evelyn's third rendition of "O, Holy Night". She wasn't alone. By the time the sun had reached its apex in the watery sky, Catherine was certain Evelyn's shrill soprano had the power to scare even Saruman away.

"I'm so cold," Cerena Chlamydia said miserably, looking to where Evelyn was prancing effortlessly on the snow with something approaching resentment.

"Same," Catherine mumbled, trying to give Cerena a supportive smile, but ending up baring her teeth instead. Her lips were too cold to move. "Aragorn's going to have to cut off my legs if any more of my nerves go numb from this hellish snowfest."

"This is, like, so boring," said Cerena, staring at where Aragorn and Gandalf were arguing. Probably about Moria. "In the movies, this was all over in a couple of shots. I didn't know I'd have to walk this far."

"Reality bites," Catherine said. "If you're bored, you can always listen to our resident pop star." They both looked at Evelyn, who seemed to sense their eyes on her.

"Like, cheer up gang. At least the snow makes us look like pretty, pretty Ice Princesses," she chirped. She looked at Catherine, whose nose was crusted over from the constant running it was doing, and Cerena, whose skin and hair were the same color as the landscape. "Well, at least I'm a pretty, pretty Ice Princess. We could tell jokes or something," she said lamely.

Un-amused glances. Evelyn barreled onwards, and Catherine fought to smile supportively, though she was sure it looked more like a grimace. _She's trying,_ she reminded herself, _she's making a genuine effort and I've gotta give her credit for that, if nothing else._

"Why did the ghost cross the road?" said Evelyn, voice bubbling more than fresh can of Coke-a-Cola. Silence. "To get to the other side! Geddit, like the afterlife?"

The taller members of the Fellowship were nonresponsive, except for a single skeptical glance from Aragorn before he turned back to his quiet conference with Gandalf. Pippin, ever generous, forced a laugh. Encouraged by this, Evelyn continued.

"Your turn, Cerena. Give us one."

"Um, like, what's black and white and red all over? A newspaper."

"I would've said a sunburnt zebra," Catherine muttered, biting back a bitter scowl. _This is so, so stupid. And Sue-ish. God, shoot me now. If she asks me to tell a joke, I'm going to jump right off this stupid mountain and take her with me…_

"Kitty?" asked Evelyn sweetly.

And Catherine, who was pissed off, freezing, and reminded of other unpleasant times when Evelyn had said her stupid nickname in that stupid sugary voice, spoke without thinking.

"Why do ladies wear underwear printed with flowers?" No answer, though Merry, Pippin and Gimli looked slightly more interested at the word "underwear". "In loving memory of all the faces that were buried there," Catherine finished, perfectly deadpan.

Gimli let loose a great guffaw of laughter, neatly puncturing the grim silence that had settled over the mountain. Merry and Pippin smirked in slight embarrassment, and Boromir actually chuckled. Catherine was happy to see him laugh. He'd been looking quite depressed, which she was sure could be chalked up to the influence of the Ring. Evelyn gasped, looking shocked than anyone could be so unladylike.

"Kitty! That was positively vulgar."

 _Pot calling kettle black, much? Like you haven't been trying to have your nasty way with Legolas for weeks._ "Sorry, Evelyn, for being inappropriate," was what Catherine said aloud. "Actually, you know what? Not one damned bit sorry. I'm fucking freezing. If I want to make sexual jokes, I will. If I want to fuck myself gently with an icicle, I will. Fuck off."

She stomped off, for once not really caring what any of her companions thought of her. Catherine's brief moment of being worry free came to an untimely end when Frodo tripped, taking a tumble down the snowy slope and somehow losing the Ring in the process. Catherine watched the scene unfold silently, heart aching for Boromir as she saw him overcome his temptation this time. It was such a shame that his efforts would be in vain.

"I don't know why someone doesn't do something about him," Evelyn muttered to her afterwards, giving the man of Gondor a nasty look. "He's obviously evil."

"He's not an orc, which are pretty much the only creatures bred into corruption. Even Morgoth, Sauron, Saruman, and the ringwraiths were good once," Catherine snapped, annoyed on Boromir's behalf. "We haven't acted the best ourselves, but the Fellowship is willing to cut us allowances because we're going through a lot. Boromir's done a more admirable job of holding it together, and circumstances are pretty sucky for him too."

Her outburst ended up louder than Catherine had intended, and Boromir looked over his shoulder to give her a grateful smile. She looked down quickly. She really did want to defend Boromir against Evelyn's unfair verdict, but at the same time, it felt Mary Sue-ish. Then again, didn't Mary Sues usually hate Boromir on sight like Evelyn had, for being, like, totally evil? It was all so confusing.

The blizzard hit them that night. If Catherine had thought herself cold before, it was nothing compared to now. Her legs felt like jelly, or maybe lava, which would account for the vicious burning her muscles were doing as they fought against the tidal wave of snow. Catherine stumbled, snow stinging her face as her knees gave out and she fell face forward. A hand reached to pull her up, and she looked to see Legolas above her, concern tightening his mouth. For a moment, Catherine considered pushing his help away, the Mary Sue factor hanging over her head like one of the storm clouds assaulting them. But refusing would be just stupid. Survival was the most important thing at that moment, and if she had to be a Mary Sue to survive, so be it.

"Thanks," she murmured, looking around. Aragorn was saying something about taking shelter below what pitiful coverage the overhang of the cliff face gave them.

Sam muttered, "Shelter. If this is shelter then a wall and a roof make a house."

Boromir insisted that the choice was now between fire and death, and Gandalf reluctantly started one magically, muttering about repercussions under his breath. Catherine hastened to the flames, ignoring the slosh of cold water the melting snow made against her boots. She ended up next to Cerena Chlamydia, who started shivering more and more as the wood burned low and eventually crackled into the barest embers. Face illuminated by a murmur of the heat, she looked very young and less abnormal than she had even the day before. Her silvery hair was dank and sodden, her skin was blotchy from the cold, and her eyes were wet and miserable. Catherine felt for her.

"Come here," she muttered, holding out her arm. "We'll be warmer if we stay together. There's no wood left for another fire."

"What about Evvie?" Cerena mumbled. They both looked to where Evelyn was prancing effortlessly through the flurries, untouched by the vicious cold. It worried Catherine. Much as she wanted to believe Evelyn had reformed, if she truly was different now, shouldn't she be as miserable as the rest of them? Even Cerena Chlamydia wasn't a Mary Sue this close to hypothermia.

"She'll be fine. C'mon."

They huddled together in miserable camaraderie and it struck Catherine how much she'd missed basic human contact. There were so many touches she'd taken for granted; hugging her friends hello and goodbye, hooking elbows, playfully punching her dad on the shoulder, letter her mom smother her in kisses. Hugging Evelyn had been nice, but Catherine hadn't gleaned any of the warmth she remembered from it, and none of that wonderful feeling of being genuinely connected to someone, physically and mentally. Miserable as she was from the cold, she was glad to be with Cerena Chlamydia, who was silly and said the wrong things on a daily basis and still had strange opalescent hair and weird pink eyes but was somehow more present than Evelyn could ever be.

"Thanks, Kitty," she mumbled into Catherine's shoulder. Catherine smiled in spite of how much her face hurt from the cold.

"Kitty! Do you wanna use my hairbrush? You're starting to look like the abominable snow monster yourself," Evelyn called, traipsing over to them. Catherine sighed, not wanting to move but forcing legs to try and unfold anyway. Truthfully, the prospect of brushing some of the snow from her hair was an appealing one. Just as she had almost heaved herself to her feet, Cerena Chlamydia's hand stopped her.

"Kitty," she said, "when Evvie was apologizing, and talking about being lonely and stuff? Well, I don't wanna be, like, paranoid, but I had written the exact same thing in my diary. And she's, like, stolen my old ones before."

"Oh. And?" Catherine didn't mean to sound snappy, but truly, she was too tired and cold to spend much more time questioning Evelyn's motives.

"She's my friend," Cerena Chlamydia mumbled, looking at her feet, "but she's not a very nice person. She's…sometimes I feel bad, when I'm around her. I don't want her to make you feel bad too."

Catherine sat back down. Cerena Chlamydia blinked at her, eyes looking less violently magenta. They were almost grey, the pink having receded to more of a periwinkle.

"Aren't you gonna go brush your hair?" she asked, looking almost hopeful when Catherine scooted in next to her.

"It can wait," Catherine muttered, and they sat together in silence as the embers flickered to the barest glow and the snow howled around them.

* * *

 **A/N: Hope you enjoyed it! Review, please and thank you?**


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